I have never been good at failure and sometimes the expectations I place on myself are unrealistic.  I find myself getting in my own of way.

This past week something did not go as I had planned. For two nights, I tossed and turned- replaying the situation over and over again in my head. See that’s part of the problem- I like to be in control and when things don’t go as planned-as it happens in this life-I tend to freak out or worry. On the surface, I may appear to have it together but there are times on the inside, my inner voice won’t shut the hell up.

This cycle can be exhausting and does not leave room for growth. If you don’t make mistakes you cannot grow. I wonder how many times I missed opportunities to grow because of fear or worry.  I also wonder if I am reaching my full potential.

This also takes the joy out of  experiencing the important things in life; you become too consumed with your issue. I am also ashamed to admit that most of these things that keep me up at night are not major issues. There are plenty of people out there with major struggles and here I am stressing over something that won’t matter in a month, year, or 5 years.

What’s also interesting is that if someone comes up to meet with a similar problem, I can easily give them advice. Why can I not do the same for myself? Why can I not give myself a break or the benefit of the doubt?  I know it can be exhausting to those closest to me. As much as they try to make me feel better, the only thing that can make me feel better is if I learn how to relax and be okay with failing. Why does failing paralyze me?

As a Christian, I struggle with putting God in control completely.  I prayed before going to church this morning for an answer.  Well, he listened and provided several scriptures that have really hit home today.

One of the biggest things that stuck with me today was about Jesus. Jesus knew his fate but had complete faith in God when he said,

     Abba, Father, he cried out, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of  suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine. (Mark 14:36)

  I cannot let the littlest things of go but Jesus, who knew he was going to die on the cross, was able to turn it all over to God. Wow!

Another scripture from Matthew 6:34 also stuck with me:

Therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

  Relinquishing my “perceived” sense of control and turning it over to God will be the key. I don’t believe that this will happen overnight or in a month’s time.  However, I do know that I am tired of not treating myself with respect and truly giving myself room to make mistakes-just as I do for others.

 Well, I guess, I better be like Red in Shawshank Redemption, and Get Busy Living because if I continue to allow small, insignificant things to rule my life, I’m going to miss out on all the wonderful things God has blessed me with.

I put this picture of my son here as a reminder of what’s truly important.