What do you get when you mix a people-pleaser, self-doubter, over-analyzer, and a perfectionist? You get, well… me. I should also add that I don’t like confrontation and making mistakes. Also, I enjoy being creative, and I like to set my sights high in terms of my potential in leadership roles. My expectations are sometimes unrealistic especially when it’s the first time I try something (In my mind, I should be able to do it right the first time, every time regardless of it being the first time). So, how does this affect my day to day existence and work life?

Some days, the creative side takes over and the feeling that I can accomplish anything is exhilarating. Other days, the self-doubter and over-analyzer takes over and trashes my every thought or motivation. These days I feel like I re-read and re-read emails before hitting send or I hesitate on making an important call (playing the conversation over and over in my head, imagining what the other person might say). When the people-pleaser side comes into play, I apologize for things that aren’t really my fault and my feelings may get hurt when the other person doesn’t seem as happy with my work or what I’ve said as I think they should be.

It’s exhausting being on this ferris wheel ride I’ve created for my life. I realize there are things I need and can do to minimize these feelings. I know I should take time for myself. I know I should pray and have quiet time. I know I should reach out to a friend to talk. Why, though, do I not always do what I would tell a dear friend to do? Why do I choose to remain in the land of self-doubt some days? I am a thief of my own joy. I steal away moments that should be precious, moments with my spouse, children, with self-sabotaging thoughts about what happened at work or a conversation I had with someone.

When you see me, I will do my best on these days to have a smile on my face. You see I wear a mask. A mask that says I’m okay and I’ve got it all figured out but underneath, I’m like the rest of world, just trying to figure it out while raising two kids and working.

So, when you read this, please don’t pity me. I’m not unhappy. I know that I’m blessed or as my favorite car tag says “Too blessed to be stressed.” I just want you to know that you’re not alone if you are having the same feelings. I’m with you friend, and I just want to know that you are there with me too. I don’t care who you voted for, the color of your skin, where you are from, or anything that makes us seemingly different. I really don’t think you and I are that different. I think you have your uncertain moments like I do. Maybe you have a little bit of anxiety too. Let’s choose two things- love and grace.Let’s love one another and give each other grace (none of us are perfect).

Just know that I love you, and I give you grace to make mistakes and to keep trying. Just know I’m trying my best every day to love me and to give myself grace. 

The Beatles said it be, All You Need is Love.