The wailing, knocking, and clicking of the machine was not as bad as I expected, almost comical in a sense. I imagined the MRI tech on the other side literally setting off alarms and banging a hammer and not really doing anything. Honestly, I felt like I was trying to take some type of demented nap in a construction site, and thankfully the deafening silence was short lived. I’m grateful it was not long, and my initial sense of panic calmed. 25 minutes later and the scan was done. I experienced my first ever breast MRI today. I was thankful for the earplugs too, as I cannot image how loud those noises actually were. So you be wondering if you’ve kept up with my breast cancer journey, why a breast MRI and why now?

Yes, I’ve finished my treatments and now take a daily hormone suppressant. My blood work has been good, and to my knowledge show no signs of recurrence. I think the MRI is a next step in determining if it’s time to remove my port. It’s also precautionary as I have dense breast tissue, and the MRI can produce a better image sometimes than a mammogram.

Honestly, getting a test or scan done can be triggering and even when I need an IV or blood drawn. Thankfully, there’s anxiety medicine that can help with all of that. What comes after the scan is the dreaded wait… the wait to breathe again and know everything is okay. I think it’s normal to have doubt. It’s an easy thing that can creep into your mind as you remember what it was like before with the original diagnosis. Remission is not a conversation for me (because of my age) for at least 5 to 10 years and lord willing when and if I get there, the thought of cancer will never completely diminish.

I think that’s what it means to be a survivor, living with the knowledge of what happened and could happen again. No, I don’t dwell on it. I live most days focused on my job and family without a single thought but when another appointment or scan comes around, the thoughts trickle back.

With those thoughts also come joy in moments to remind you are here and are able to be in the moment you are in.

For now, I’ll just relax and be thankful for having a chance to spend the day with my mom.