I’ve swapped shopping and eating for actually taking care of myself. I reached this epiphany a few weeks ago, when I finally reached the end of my proverbial rope; in fact, my rope had no more ends from my burnout. Look, it’s on fire, my rope! I had masked my pain and fatigue until I couldn’t anymore. And then I broke. I looked back at my habits- hanging in my closet and the weight that appeared on the scale. I didn’t like what I saw. I had hidden my anxieties in my wardrobe and ate away my feelings.

How had I gotten this far? Did it start when I learned of my Stage 4 diagnosis, or was it piling on from the first diagnosis? I am honestly not sure. I do know that I’ve always been a people pleaser. It’s as though I came into the world, looked at the doctor who brought me into the world, and said, “What can I do for you?”

I do pride myself on being a giver, but lately it’s come at a considerable expense- my mental health. And when you are fighting cancer, they advise not to add any extra stress. Ha! Do they know me? So, knowledge is power, and with power comes great responsibility. What does one do now to change years’ worth of pushing feelings down, a year’s worth of extra weight and clothes?

Instagram tells you to buy a $70 book that’s supposed to be “life-changing.” They also show you images of people who made this change- overnight! I’m guessing the people they hired already looked good and probably don’t have a chronic disease.

So, instead of spending more money, I’ve decided to do all I know to do. Take a step at a time. Don’t look for the entire staircase. It’s kind of like when I had chemo and radiation. One treatment at a time. This time, the therapy is taking care of me, asking for help, exercising, and stopping spending so much damn money. It’s also finding my voice- speaking my mind when necessary. Loving me. Givers struggle with these things. Guilt comes with loving ourselves. I don’t know why we feel guilty, but we do.

I’m listening to my body more and the voices inside my head. I’m asking myself if these are realistic expectations. I’m trying to take my life back over. It’s difficult when your life depends on medication and treatments.

So, I will try, try, and try again. I’ll make good choices, and I’ll make bad choices. I’m only human, of course, but this time, I’ll give myself something that I’ve needed for a long time- grace. Give yourself grace. You deserve it.

I think I’m going to ask the oncologist to prescribe massages. I think insurance should cover. The massage therapist said I was tense. If he only knew!