I just found the clean version of my favorite song on Napster. I hit download and at a snails pace it begins to download. I am waiting on the phone to ring. Hoping, praying, willing it to ring and it be my best friend Morgan inviting me to spend the night or that guy to call. It rings. My pulse quickens. I run over and read the caller i.d. It’s for my older sister. I sigh and run back to the computer screen.. still downloading.

Morgan and I sit out in the front of her house watching the cars pass. “If a car comes from the left, it’s gonna be a good day. ” I say. A car comes from the right. We head back to her purple sponge painted room and start clipping out sayings from Seventeen magazine and Cosmopolitan. There’s a feature with Titanic footage. Score! We’ve only seen it a few dozen times this summer and Morgan owns the soundtrack. Between it, Weezer (the Blue CD), and Green Day, we keep her CD player busy.

Her mom calls out to us asking if we want a snack. Morgan sips her 3rd or 4th Mountain Dew of the day and eats her Reese’s cups.

Later that night, we meet up at Morgan’s summer boyfriend’s trailer to watch Scream. We don’t tell her mom what movie we are watching as we know we wouldn’t be allowed. We all start to cuddle with our boyfriends and turn the lights off. Morgan’s boyfriend’s mom has a touch lamp. With a few bumps, it’s dark except for the flicker of the television. His mom calls out, he bumps the light back on. Morgan’s mom calls and confirms our fate. She knows it’s Scream. Movie over.

The next weekend a friend has a party at his house for his birthday. Several leave the party to the woods to smoke cigarettes, a true 13 year old act of rebellion. I imagine most don’t even inhale but have to appear to be cool. Somebody plays Inside Out by Eve 6.

The next week drags by. I wake up at 10 AM and do my daily chores. Vacumn the den and wash the dishes. I gag at the soggy, lumpy grits left in the pan. I will the phone to ring. I turn the TV on and watch the Price is Right. Yes, they are playing Plinko. That weekend we stand in line at Marengo Theatre. What was the name of the movie? I anxiously wait to see if he’s going to reach for my hand or put his arm around me. I feel my stomach flip. He grabs my hand. It’s as sweaty as mine. You try to remember bits and pieces of the movie because you know your mother is going to ask. You try to remember the details of how he grabbed your hand because your friends will ask.

You get home, floating. The phone rings. It’s your best friend Beth. She wants to know details. There’s a beep. I click over and it’s for my dad. Click back to Beth and tell her I’ll call her later. Dad stays on the phone for what seems like hours.

Finally, call Beth back. Sister barges in demanding to use the phone to call what’s his name. She was just with him! She has her own car. Wish she’d leave me alone. Sigh. I hang up with Beth.

We head to CVS the next day. Those double prints are finally in. Geesh.. 3 days to get them back. Can’t wait to decorate my locker in the Fall. Waiting to turn 13 feels like an eternity. You see an older guy walk in. You try to not make eye contact or say something stupid. Those kind of things can haunt you for at least a week or two- at worst a month.

The summer drags on. I will the phone to ring. I record songs from the Top 8 at 8 just for a chance to hear Shorty Swing My Way. I almost have enough downloaded to burn a CD. Pearl Jam sues Napster. Bill Clinton didn’t inhale like the 13 year olds at the birthday party. What kind of stain was on her dress? Don’t understand.

8th Grade starts. We are the oldest at DMS. We think we’ve made it. 16 seems light years away. 21 even further and college. Boy- we didn’t know anything then but then again it was our forever and we were 13.

Probably listening to Green Day and willing the phone to ring…

I think I am having some type of mid-life crisis. In the last couple of weeks, I have said yes to so many things, I would have normally talked myself out of for whatever reason. For example, I went to Perfect Touch, a clothing store in my hometown on the pursuit of Tevas. Before I knew it, I was leaving with a pair of jeans, a top, and the Tevas. I normally would have walked in the store for 30 minutes or more holding the items I wanted, all the while talking myself out of these items and then carefully placing them back. Oh, and about the party last night. I am naturally introverted and a pretend extrovert. However, last night, I found myself at party in my new jeans and top, talking to people, smiling and laughing. I stayed as long as I wanted and went home early-satisfying my multiple personalities- the one who needs adult interaction and the one that needs to be a home with her family. Both girls were happy last night.

Then’s there kickball. A dear friend asked everyone on Facebook if they wanted to start an adult only kickball team and messaged me. I agreed to play. Now, there is a gazillion reasons I could have said no- childcare to start with but I thought to myself, I want to play kickball and I don’t care if I look like an idiot doing it.

Then, this morning I went to the Farmer’s Market. I tried to support every farmer there. I would have, too, if I had thought to bring a bigger stroller to hold my toddler and the produce. Came home with a ton of peaches, zuccini, and new potatoes. I am no cook but now I’m making peach tarts. What has gotten in to me? And there was that Estate sale just up the road from my house. I am sucker for an Estate sale- get to see the house and find something for yours- win win. Came home lugging a huge vase for my dining room. Did I need it? Certaintly not but it’s beautiful and only cost me $10.

Money doesn’t buy happiness but gosh I am sure feeling good! So much of my life I have made for myself has been calculated by me. In college, it was my 5 year plan. When I met Will, it was I’m gonna get married and have kids plans. I have been doing certain things because I thought I had to and by a certain deadline but who says? I have to admit I feel like a rebel but it’s really over silly things and decisions. Like I suck at peeling peaches and most tarts have sliced peaches and look really pretty. Not my peach tarts, we are going to just chop those bitches up. Still tastes the same right?

It’s not spending money on me that I think has made a change in my life. I think it’s been the choice to give myself room to breathe, to make mistakes, and saying no to things such as, setting myself unrealistic deadlines and expectations. It’s allowing myself to live and to choose to be happy doing things I like. I will always be there for my family but I am also going to be there for me and do things I enjoy. I’m a much better person, friend, wife, and mother when I can take care of myself too.

I am consciously choosing to live a full life and to love me every day. So, I am not sure who needs to hear this today, but go play kickball, by the shoes, make desserts, and my God, be happy.

The Vase from the Estate Sale and finds from Marengo County Historical Society Farmer’s Market (Happens every Saturday at Lyon Hall through August 14)

Peach Tarts made with love with my dear niece Sidda Leigh. We made mini tart shells out of pie shells (cut with the top of a mason jar). They were so yummy!

I fell asleep at 17 and woke to a strange, new reality. I was now 35, married with two boys. As the dream progressed, I learned that I lived back home in my small town, and I had married someone from my home town. We lived around the corner from his parents and only minutes away from mine. We have one large cat, a Maine Coon that thinks she’s a dog and insists on waking us when daylight breaks. I also find that in this dream, I have a fun and rewarding job at the School Foundation office. In my office hangs a degree from the University of Alabama and a plaque from my time as President of the local Rotary Club. I fall back asleep, thinking I’ll wake up and the year will be 2003. I’ll be on Walnut Street with my parents in my old bedroom, with my box of letters and photos of friends that took 3 whole days to develop. Instead, I awake and I am still an adult. Funny, how did that happen? I am fairly certain when I went to bed several days ago, I had just walked across the field and received my high school diploma.

To the Class of 2021, one day, you too will wake and realize that life as John Lennon put it is what happens when you are busy making other plans. Take this time when you are young to do things that scare the hell out of you. No, nothing illegal but challenge yourself. Only when we challenge ourselves can we make changes and improve. Travel, see the world, bartend for a summer. Childhood friends will always be important but college friends, they help us grow up and become the people we are meant to become.

Fall in love, fall out of love, take the time to find your lobster.You are too young to understand Friends‘ references but please go watch Friends.

Learn the value of a dollar. Live on your own and try as best you can to not depend on your parents. There is something so satisfying about paying your own way. You learn to appreciate things so very much more.

Savor every minute you can with your parents. Only God knows how long they have on this Earth. Your mom, she is and will become your best friend. Same goes with your grandparents.

Eat cake. Eat pizza. Eat all the Chic Fil A your little heart desires. Eat it all but in moderation. Take care of your body. You only have one. Start habits now that you can take with you so when you’re 35, it want be too hard to go for that walk or play tennis.

Find something every day to be thankful for (I promise there is a lot) and laugh. Laugh often and so hard, tears stream down your face. When you feel there’s no one to turn to, remember there’s someone up above who loves you.

Change the world-one person at a time. You will never know the power of kindness to just one person.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Process is so much more rewarding than the result.

Don’t blame your mistakes on the environment, other people, the President, or circumstances. Own these mistakes. Make mistakes- lots of them but also learn from them.

Choose to be the positive person. Don’t go on rants on social media. Social media will not solve your problems and don’t compare yourself to others online. What you see online is not reality. It’s a race- sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind. It’s your race not someone else’s.

When all else fails, choose love. Faith, Hope, and Love but the greatest of these is Love.

I loaded the laundry for what’s sure to be the millionth time. I watched as the washer slowly turned on and began it’s routine- eerily similiar to the routine of our daily lives. Wake, brush teeth, eat, school, homework, ball game, bed time-rinse and repeat. As part introvert, I do enjoy our routine and find comfort in its normalness and predictability, the humming of a well oiled machine. Lately, however, I’ve found myself restless. For what? I honestly can’t tell you. I stare at the laundry now in the dryer, ready to be folded and yet, part of me rebels this next step.

The next morning we wake up and like Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day, our day begins and in the back of my mind I sing “I’ve got you babe.” Hours later I find myself in the car with the boys after the evening’s ball game. We are laughing and Anderson continues to ask for “Bus” (Wheels on the Bus). We get home, and I load the clothes, scrubbing the ball pants before loading them- rinse and repeat. I sigh, as this chore is waring on me.

The next morning comes. I look up and somehow the boys look much older than the day before. Anderson is adding to his vocabulary, and WM is about to finish 2nd grade. Somewhere in the middle of our cycle, they become a little older and a lot more independent. My parents are aging. I’m getting closer to 40 and its knocking on Will’s door this summer. Rinse and repeat.

What seems like an endless cycle on repeat, life is going by faster and faster. The routine which sometimes makes me restless will change in the blink of the eye. No more chatter around the kitchen table or food being thrown off the table. No scrubbing of baseball pants. No car rides laughing with my two boys. They will soon find themselves washing clothes, going to ballgames, and doing homework. Rinse and repeat. I’ll find myself missing their small clothes and baseball pants. I’ll miss the routine. I’ll miss the rinse and repeat.

The preacher said something this morning that has been stirring in my mind. He mentioned (not in these exact words but maybe how God intended for me to hear) that we take for granted the gift of joy. We get busy with the day to day and forget sometimes to experience joy. Guilty as charged. This got me to thinking about friendships these past few years and how they’ve brought me joy. I thought I’d share about one in particular. I must admit, too, that as an adult, it’s only been in the last few years that I feel like I have friends. I often throw myself into work, husband, and kids and have not done a great job in fostering relationships. I am glad God knew better and put me in situations where friendships could grow organically and without any pressure to be something I am not. Lord knows I have never been the “cool” friend-more the nerdy, old soul one that doesn’t know any new music pass 1980 something and don’t get me started on name brands. I digress. Here’s how one special friendship started…

Some of the most cherished friendships I have ever had happened unexpectedly. This particular friendship the same way and started three years ago when I began working at Naheola Credit Union. I had never worked in banking a day in my life, and here I was trying to figure out how I would take a new position-Marketing Specialist and do it justice. Leslie had interviewed me for the position. When meeting her for the interview, I was intimidated. I knew she had been in the banking world a long time and knew her stuff. At first, I would only see her at management meetings, but we eventually went to a conference together. That’s where our friendship began to blossom. I realized really quickly that she and I were cut from a very similar cloth if not the same cloth. We shared very similar ideals and personalities. She is and was at the time a big encourager, something I needed in navigating my new career. In looking back, I am amazed how God puts people in our lives at the right exact time. We eventually began working together at the satellite office of the Credit Union in Demopolis. We shared many laughs, tears, and hugs throughout those times.

When my pregnancy became challenging as it was unknown what would happen with Anderson’s left kidney, she was always there to listen, give an encouraging word, and just be a much needed distraction.

In the last year, I decided to change my career path. I was excited but was dreading to tell Leslie. I knew that I would miss our day to day interactions. However, when I let her know, she reminded me that she would always be there for me. We do not see each other as much as I would like but I know she will always be there for me. I hope, too, that she knows that I will do the same for her.

I thank God for her and our friendship. As an adult, friendships are few because of prior commitments-kids, husband, LIFE. The ones you do have, hold on to them. Make time for them. Don’t forget them. They are precious. You will often find them when you least expect them but God’s timing is perfect.

Thank you Leslie. I love you and are so very thankful for our friendship.

To Anderson, my youngest, and the final piece of our puzzle,

Your confidence and determination make me swell with pride, but at the same time scare the hell out of me. Your older brother was the “trap” baby, and now I find myself running after you in fear as you toddle to your next adventure. You already have a love of music, and I hope that you will learn to play the “tar” (guitar) as you call it and cry for it as we are at Nana and Poppy’s house. Music has power, Anderson. It can transport you back in time or bring tears to your eyes. It can brighten the mood and bring people together. When all else fells dear sweet Boy, turn on and turn up the music. Why do you think mom asks Alexa to play music every morning?

Anderson, God made us all to be who we are. Don’t try to run from who you are. You won’t get very far. Embrace who you are! People, you haven’t met yet, will appreciate it and you- they are “your people”. As you get older, you find you might not have as many people as you did when you were younger. That’s okay. The people you call “friend” as an adult are so very special. They love you and embrace that your house isn’t a mansion and the ravioli stains on the highchair. “Your people” are also the ones under your roof.

Anderson, stop pulling your cat’s tail! This is easily a metaphor for later in life- how you treat people is important! Be kind. Don’t worry if you don’t fall into the “cool” crowd. Don’t worry about being in any crowd for that matter. I’ve found that being somewhere in the middle is just right. You get to be friends with all kinds of people that shape your life in ways you can only imagine. Some of my closest friends are 20 plus years older than me.

Don’t forget to have fun and laugh. Laugh until it hurts and tears stream down your face. Your mom tends to be too serious at times. Live in EVERY moment. Take it in. Hug your grandparents EVERY time you see them. You don’t know when the last time will be when you see someone. Leave them better than you found them.

Chase your dreams. Travel. Find a job that makes you happy and makes you feel like you make a difference. Don’t worry about how much you get paid. Yes, you need money to pay bills but don’t seek it for your happiness. You won’t find it there.

Remember, turn it over to God when life gets hard. He’s got this and you! If you think you are having trouble finding him, look up at the trees, listen to the wind, talk to an old friend, look in your children’s eyes- he’s there. He will be and has always been there. Sometimes unanswered prayers are answered prayers.

Anderson, we love you and are proud of you! Keep letting the music in your heart guide you.

I’ve officially become the age where I have started using phrases, such as, “kids these days will never know..” This alone has got me thinking about some of the perks of growing up in the 90’s and the early 2000’s. So here is my top 10 list…

1. Everybody had a part-time job in school. A lot of my friends worked concessions at the Sports Plex. We flipped burgers, cleaned restrooms, chased cleats, and had fun all while using our hard earned money to put gas in our cars and pay for things with our own money!
2. Music- yes it easier to get music now but who didn’t enjoy illegally downloading a few songs off of Limewire or Napster? Burned cd’s represented a time, our thoughts, who we were…
3. $40 student ticket packages at UA for all home games.. Roll Tide!
4. TV from the 90’s – could there be anything better than Friends?
5. Birkenstocks.. Boston, Arizona, etc.. What was your favorite pair?
6. We didn’t know what we didn’t know… Until the Twin Towers came down, the world seemed like a safe place, and I did not have as much access to so much information. Ignorance was bliss.
7. We had to actually use communication skills- no hiding behind text or social media. You faced your enemies head on at the old cotton gin after school. You actually called someone if you liked them- no swiping left or right. You went to a business (walked in, stuck out your hand, etc.) with a resume when seeking a job.
8. Facebook was only for college kids- your email address had to be from a college address. No politics or arguing. Just college kids writing on friends’ walls, sharing photos, and the occasional poking (not what you are thinking)- just trying to get someone’s attention.
9. Actual conversations and talking face to face, creating memories, and not meeting to stare at our phones.. constantly.
10. We believed we could make a difference and that we would.

College me- the only @ I had was @bama.ua.edu

It had been 3 years since Kurt Cobain had killed himself. His music was an anthem for kids of the 90’s. Nirvana’s songs, Polly and Smells Like Teen Spirit poured out of the carport from the new band in town- Bubble. It was Halloween of 1997, and I was hosting my first girl/boy party complete with a band made up of 8th graders! This was huge as I was merely only a 7th grader and one that didn’t turn 13 until the summer. Black garbage bags enclosed the garage and were decorated with black light paint. Bubble gave a lively, memorable performance and when they took a break, the CD player blaired out tunes, such as, Wonderwall. Dancing to this song, I closed my eyes, trying to hold on to the moment. All I could hear was, I said maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me and after all.. Opening my eyes, I looked around at all my classmates, dancing to the song or standing around talking. We were all dressed up in some type of Halloween costume or camouflage. Since we were in the South, there was plenty of it and for those not feeling so brave to venture out with the costume choice, it would be a safe choice.

The only phone to be found was inside hanging on the wall inside the house (with a new feature- Caller ID). Did you ever *69 anyone? No one stopped to check their phone or post pictures on their Instagram or Facebook pages- they didn’t exist. Thank God! We all lived in the moment back then. We were just in the beginning of our teen years and still somewhat innocent. Girls began to carry purses- Sak purses with the charm that read “Sak”. Girls started to care what boys thought and most boys were still as tall as the girls, not quite entering man hood yet except for this one guy- I swear he had hair under his arm when we were in 6th grade! Having a boyfriend was all the rage even if lasted a few months. Saving room for Jesus when dancing was a thing though we all got closer after the coast was clear. People signed their names “Ashley wuz here” and “Love you DNQ”. Hemp necklaces adorned our necks though I am not really sure many of us actually new what hemp was but was a required purchase from when you went to the beach.

We were trying to figure out who we were and where we fit in. At the party, however, we just danced, talked, and were kids. Bubble, cool and mysterious (or as mysterious as 14 year old boys are to younger girls) added to the soundtrack of our lives. This party would have been a perfect John Hughes movie complete with intriguing older guys, a dance, first love, and the awkwardness of just being a teenager. Instead of Don’t you forget about me playing at the end, we could all simply form a mosh pit and chant (hey, it was the 90’s)…

Hello, hello, hello, how low
Hello, hello, hello, how low
Hello, hello, hello, how low
Hello, hello, hello

I was in danger of not remembering what she was like before. I had remembered her face as I had seen it a thousand times before. I knew the sound of her voice but couldn’t quite remember what exactly it was that made her laugh-not just any laugh- the kind that hurt and had no sound and often came with tears. It was not until recently that a friend of mine helped me remember. This friend had known her since 1st grade. We had lunch and it was though she reappeared before my very eyes. I left that day feeling that a piece of my old self had been saved. You see the person I could not remember was me- the old me before kids and my husband. Don’t get me wrong I cherish my life with them and cannot imagine my life without them, but I also feel like I was losing myself piece by piece. The old me was not to be found. Self doubt was slowly creeping in to things I usually feel good about- my job, taking care of the kids, making the easiest of decisions.. I am a person that has likes, dislikes, to do things, to feel successful…

This childhood friend has brought a better appreciation of remembering to take care of myself. Self care is a cliche term but is so crucial to the success of other relationships. We have to love and nurture ourselves in order to take care of others. You know the old me wasn’t so bad- she could be a lot of fun and not so serious. Maybe I should introduce to my kids. I think they’d like her. My husband would probably love to catch a glimpse of the girl he met so many years ago. Hell, I’m pretty fond of her myself.

My first driver’s license 🤦‍♀️

A young boy sits in front of me eating what is sure to be his millionth bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios. His face has slimmed up a good bit from its once pudgy baby face. He catches me looking at him and gives me a shy grin. At 7 years old, I feel it’s been a lifetime since he was that tiny baby that made me a mom at 28 years old, a journey we started together when we first confirmed I was pregnant- so much excitement and so much fear. It’s true what they say- days are long and years are short. As it write this, I will look up, and he will be a young man.

When we decided to have a second child, I feared for how it would make him feel. I didn’t want him to feel left out. And when his brother made his arrival, proud big brother came in with his Ipad capturing mom and new baby. It was though, he too, felt what Will and I had felt. This baby was his too, and he was going to help take care of him.

I hope he knows how proud of him we are. Riding to school hearing you talk about your favorite games or asking questions I can’t begin to answer (thank you Google), is one of my favorite times of the day. Picking you up is also a highlight, and as much as I feel I need a break and some down time, I miss you in those moments when you are not around.

Son- I want you to know how much we love you and will always love you. I will always be here. I’m so thankful for you. Don’t ever be afraid of who you are! Thank you for being the light in what can sometimes be a very dark world. Remember, too, to always find the good in people (although they will disappoint you sometimes) and be positive (even when it’s hard and things aren’t going your way). There is always something to be thankful for! When all else fails, remember you have a mom and dad who love you and will do anything for you.

I love you William Michael!