The proverbial shoe dropped, and now I face a second diagnosis of cancer. Acceptance has been difficult, and my faith has been shaken.

I start to pray and stop – not sure what to say. Maybe I’m masking my disappointment, afraid to let God know the truth. He already knows.

I know most will say let go and let God, but it’s not easy. Some will quote scripture. I have to find my own solitude.

I think about the disciples. They hung out with Jesus but still questioned and even denied him.

I find comfort in who Jesus chose to walk alongside him because they were human and not perfect. Maybe that’s the answer I’ve been seeking.

Simply, there is no answer right now. Maybe it’s just to follow. Follow. Walk. 

Ok, God. I will. My heart hurts, and I’m mentally fatigued, but I will. I’m walking.

Thank God for letting me walk alongside you despite my imperfections and my trepidations.

I’m too old to be young and too young to be old. – Evelyn Couch

No truer words have ever spoken about turning 40. My sister surprised me with a trip to the holy grail (mecca) for southern women – the set of Fried Green Tomatoes in Juliette, Georgia.

Despite the cafe not being open, we enjoyed the shops and finding the grave of Frank Bennett; the secret was in the sauce.

My best friend Leslie made the journey with us to the Holy Land. I’ve been obsessed with this movie since I was a kid and now relate to Evelyn Couch more than eva (pronounce with a strong southern accent). I can only hope I can channel Tawanda when needed.

We purchased various keepsakes.

Leslie purchased three teacups for each of us, and in a moment, it felt like a silent promise, a teacup promise. A promise of love and support for each other always with no words, just a small gesture.

I found out what the secret to life is: friends. Best friends – Ninny Threadgoode

Well, Ninny was right, and here I was with the two of the best, a sister and a friend that is practically a sister.

The evening festivities continued with an Uber experience I’ll never forget – driverless. We ain’t got any of those where we hail from. Waymo, as the vehicle was called, was even buckled.  Hilarity is only the way to describe that car ride.

The evening concluded with a night of the blues. I watched as the guitarist’s fingers bent the hell of his guitar strings. I closed my eyes is what I do when I am consciously taking in the moment.

Peace, I felt at peace with all that’s been going on health wise.

I watched my sister and my friend and thanked God for these moments. No matter what happens down the road, I won’t eva forget this weekend.

I agree with Ruth as I had never had so much fun in my whole life and that this is the best birthday I’ve ever had.

A mother is our first shield and protector as she cares for us in the womb. She is the first voice we hear. Later, as we enter the world, she becomes a source of food and comfort. She is the first song we hear as she rocks us to sleep.

As we grow bigger, she is a teacher and encourager. She’s our biggest fan.

Through those wonder years of young adolescence, she teaches us how to express ourselves within boundaries and to be friends with all walks of life. My mother supported me during my bell-bottom, knee-sock wearing phase in middle school and taught me that to have friends, I had to be a friend (and not just with one particular group of people). She taught me how to stand up for myself. My mother is and was classy in how she approached people who were not so kind to me in those years. To be fair, kids at this age are trying to find themselves and sometimes that can be at the expense of others (doesn’t justify actions, but it happens). She didn’t run and call their parents. She taught me the value of loving myself for who I was. I had the choice in how to respond to negativity, and I was to be the bigger person. She also taught me how to dance in our den to a record player and not to take myself so seriously.

Later in high school, as I began to grow my wings, she supported me traveling through DECA trips. A mother prepares her nest for independence through tears and fear. She encouraged me in college to take a job in a field I was getting a major in, as I would know for sure that’s what I wanted to do. Mothers are wise.

When life has its disappointments (as they tend to do), a mother hurts as much or more than we do. If we so happen to face a scary diagnosis, a mother is there to be a support, even if it scares the hell out of them. My mother was at almost every chemo treatment of mine. I can only imagine how she felt at the time. Mothers put on a brave face for us and push us onward.

Mothers become our best friends- as I know mine is. They become the person’s voice we long to hear during the day and the hug we need at the end of the day, even as grown women. We find that we are more like them than we ever imagined as teenagers. I am blessed to call mine every day and see her as often and as much as I like.

Then, one day, we gain a mother-in-law, and she becomes a bonus mom of sorts. She welcomes you into her family with open arms and makes you feel a part. If you are so blessed as I am, she too becomes a friend. She teaches you as well and supports you.

If you so choose, you may become a mother (adopted or birth). It’s the greatest gift I’ve ever received-these two boys of mine. As I write this, tears well up in my eyes. I will try to be the mother I have (though I am not even close). You will never experience so much joy, happiness, fear, and pain as being a mother but yet someone you know God has chosen you to do the greatest honor.

Thank God for mothers (thank you for allowing me to be one).

A wise man once said (my father), “In our attempt to be different, we end up being the same as everyone else.” Those words have been rolling around in my brain all weekend. He said he, too, was a follower of sorts, but I beg to differ. I have always admired both my mom and him as I felt they were different- a good sort of different.

I question myself and wonder if I am authentic, and wonder if we really end up who we were meant to be. Or is it a constant movement in chipping away until the end? I should have all this stuff and myself figured out by now. I’ll be 40 in June, but some days I think I do, and sometimes I don’t.

I have always admired those who had a different beat in their head than the rest of us. They don’t seem to compare themselves to others and don’t care if what they choose to do is the next best thing. In a world of Pinterest Boards, Instagram, and social media for that matter, we now can compare ourselves 24 hours if we so choose to others across the globe. I argue that this is not healthy, or if in volume, rather. Yes, it’s good to get ideas- that’s how this world works, but losing yourself (a high price) is not worth it.

I am not sure what the point of my rambling is. I think I am trying to convince myself that I am authentic, but a silent voice within says, “Are you sure?” and I think, “No, I’m really not sure.” I just know I am trying, and I do generally care for people, about people. I want them to see me as someone who tries and fails.

I watched a movie last night- White Bird, and it really touched me. A family chose to hide a Jewish girl during World War II. It had me wondering- would I do the same, or would I be a follower of something that turned into something terrible, an atrocity? I’d like to think I would protect the least of these, but in a moment to protect my own, would I?

I have no resolution to tie this up in a neat little bow. We are simply humans, and humans are not perfect. I will keep trying and failing. I will do what my parents have taught me to do: love others, do not judge, think, and seek the truth. I think that’s all there really is in the end. The Beatles were right: “All you need is love.”

Photo Cred: Anderson Coplin – I once had my nieces put makeup on me, and he didn’t like it. This picture is how he sees me- no makeup and just his mom.

After 3 ski lessons and 2 wipe outs this year at Solitude, here are some things I’ve learned:

-You are running your own race. Someone is always going to be better and someone is behind you.  Be okay with improving yourself and not making comparisons.

-It’s okay to push yourself into something that is uncomfortable. That is called growth. It’s not supposed to be easy.

-At the same token, know yourself and your limits. Pushing yourself too hard will cause hurt and pain.

-Be willing to learn from others of all ages.  It’s fascinating to meet people from all walks of earth and how they view the world. It doesn’t mean you will agree on everything.

-Being someone’s cheerleader is equally or more rewarding.

-Relax. This is the hardest part for me. I’ve always been my own worst enemy.

-Stop and look around. What God has created is truly amazing and breathtaking.

-Finally, and most important, don’t take yourself too seriously and it’s okay to laugh at yourself. I encourage it. I encourage it daily.

Signed,

An almost 40 year old trying to ski

 

Fact the only thing that ever killed my chin hairs (yes, plural) was chemo. When I finished chemo, they sprouted back as if it were springtime and they had received fertilizer. Ugh!

I glanced in the mirror and began to see age spots from many summers on the ball field, tennis courts, and the DA pool. I applied my Pond’a cream, as I had watched my grandmother so many times.

I stepped on the scale and well, let’s just say it, and I don’t agree very often these days.

I jump on my stationary bike and then later eat bread like I’m magically going to lose the pounds. Lol

I’m realizing I’m the one who will need to make the changes if I want to see the changes.

The chin hair, well, that’s a case by case basis, and I’ll need to add tweezers to my car. Why is that the best mirror and a reminder when in car line?!

Yes, I know, give up the carbs or minimize. There are pricey facials to minimize age spots but that’s just it – minimize.

We know these things, but it’s so hard sometimes to make changes.

So, I will change some habits for my own health (not completely, if I’m honest), pluck the chin hair, and apply Pond’s cream. And I’ll also embrace these things as it means I’m aging – a blessing.

40 arrives in June. I’ll greet her with a high five, turn on some 90’s grunge, and be thankful. I’m not scared of her because she is me but like fine wine- aged and seasoned- she is alive.

It never quite goes away, the original cancer diagnosis. The disease may be out of your body, but the thought never goes away.

It finds you unexpectedly in a moment, and then the gratitude of the survival pours in.

It keeps you humble, grounded, and more thoughtful. It’s not so much a fear when it appears, but it can be.

It’s a part of you now, and you have the choice – lean in, be appreciative, and show that thing – that thing that scared the living hell out of you- tell that thing you that you are here. You are here.

Remember in The Wizard of Oz when Glenda (or for Wicked fans, Galinda) tells Dorothy all she had to do is click her heels to return home and Dorothy looks shocked. Glenda tells her she wouldn’t have believed her. Spoiler if you haven’t seen Wicked, there was also a train that went to Oz so Dorothy wouldn’t have to walk so many miles down the yellow brick road.

Life’s a lot like that. Sometimes we can’t see like the cliche says- the forest because of the trees and we have to learn the hard way or take a harder path. I feel I am on a ferris wheel sometimes- I’m way up and think I’ve got it figured out and then back on bottom, feeling hopeless. Most of the time I’m in between trying to figure out what the hell I should be doing.

According to a quick google search, 92% of our New Year’s resolutions fail. Reasons cited for failure include: unrealistic goals, poor motivation (not having a clear why), and the need for immediate gratification. So, I think Dorothy had motivation- get home, but she didn’t really understand the why until she faced some obstacles. Sometimes, we don’t appreciate what we have until it’s threatened.

How does one then make needed changes? We can’t be forced to be scared straight to get stuff done. Another quick google search points to the why we humans don’t like change-the fear of the unknown or feeling out of control. Humans also naturally seek out their comfort zone.

Have I thoroughly depressed you now? Sorry. I feel you need to know the reality of the situation first. Now, that’s settled, let’s think this through. I think change is something that you have to chip away at (gosh all these cliches I am full of today). Also, I think it also takes realizing when you are falling into the same patterns. Sorry, no clicking heels solution here.

I think to grow, it’s going to take some miles down the yellow brick road until we make it. So, I’m not going to end with my New Year’s resolutions. I am going to simply say, I’m going to try. Some days, I’ll conquer a little bit and some days, I’ll be back eating bread.

My prayer for your in 2025 is that you have the courage to make changes you know you’ve been putting off. Give yourself grace and time. You do have the power but you have to decide not me and not some lady floating around in a chewing gum bubble.

Dear Mrs. Claus,

I think it’s time you confess. Us women know it’s really you behind the Santa Claus thing. You are checking his list twice. You and the elves wrapped the presents beautifully. Let’s face it, no straight man can do that. I know you love your man and want him to have the spotlight. That’s what women do. We build up the ones we love and take a seat in the back to watch the show. I know because I’ve been blessed with a mom that is a secret Mrs. Claus, trading any attention for the betterment of her family.

Now, Mrs. Claus, I know you will not ever really come clean; that’s not your style. Honey, your secret is safe but we know no man can pull all that off in one night- it’s too organized. Also, women don’t want their faces on diet coke cans; they want to drink them without judgement and putting their face on the drink can would mean people would look at them.

Mrs. Claus- you really are classy, the way you stand by your man. Why, I bet Loretta Lynn wrote her famous song about you. You smile and behind the smile, we know you’ve been toiling the entire year. The elves, they help, all right but you missy are the star. Just like Mary-Gabriel came to her first- the angel knew she could handle it. Lord knows I wish I could be more like Mary. I thank God for Mary.

And, Mary on It’s a Wonderful Life– she’s the true heroine of the story not George. She gathered the community; she made sure the kids were okay while poor George was having a mid-life crisis. Don’t get me wrong I love George in that movie but as an adult, I see clearly who was making it all happen.

Now, men if you read this or your wife tells you about it, don’t get offended. We love you and in the end really don’t mind the behind the scenes. We love our families and want what is best for them. Occasionally, we do want to be reminded and appreciated but we are okay with the 2nd fiddle because a happy and healthy family is the greatest gift. Both Mary’s knew that and Mrs. Claus knows that.

So, Santa go showboating tonight. It’s your night. Polish those boots, button up that suit. It’s showtime! Mrs. Claus- pour a glass of champagne. Here’s to you! Prop up those feet, curl up with a good book and wait on your man to return. He gets the credit but we know, Mrs. Claus. We know.

Signed mothers across the ages everywhere.