In a few short days I’ll get my port put in and in a few days after that I’ll start my first rounds of chemo. Hair loss is to be expected, as well as, feeling fatigue and generally crappy. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. The first 4 rounds are expected to the be hardest. The 12 chemo treatments and radiation following will be a walk in the park compared to the first leg of the race. I try to only think about one task at a time and not go chasing the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland down some pointless hole.
What gives me hope though is the support I’ve received from my family and friends. I am not fighting this alone even though at times you feel alone. As silly as it sounds, it’s sometimes hard to hear others making plans and going on with their daily lives- as they should- but still. I don’t expect the world to stop but sometimes, I wish it could.
Now more than ever, I’ve got to keep moving forward, fighting. Courage doesn’t mean you are not afraid; it’s just how you choose to move forward. And boy, am I moving forward- tearing, clawing, pushing with a tear stung face to get through this. I won’t give up even when I feel the worst. I refuse.
The battle is on the horizon but the war will soon be over. God’s got this. I’ve got this.
Thank you to my friends and family for the encouragement, support, and love. I’m going to need each of you now more than ever before. I can’t help but remember the poem we memorized in Mrs. Elliot’s class in 7th Grade by Walter Wintle.
If you think you are beaten, you are; If you think you dare not, you don’t. If you’d like to win, but you think you can’t, It is almost a cinch you won’t.
If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost; For out in this world we find Success begins with a fellow’s will It’s all in the state of mind.
If you think you’re outclassed, you are; You’ve got to think high to rise. You’ve got to be sure of yourself before You can ever win the prize.
Life’s battles don’t always go To the stronger or faster man; But sooner or later the person who wins Is the one who thinks he can!
Today in Sunday School, we discussed things we were thankful for and how to be grateful even when things aren’t perfect. We played a game where each person had to state what he or she was thankful for and had to be careful to not choose what the person before them stated. You were allowed two seconds to respond. This proved challenging because each of us are thankful for a lot of similar things- family, food, shelter, etc. With more time, our thank you’s are more heartfelt and have more meaning. This activity and lesson got me thinking about what I’m thankful for. Yes, the end of this year has been difficult and it’s far from over, but I have so many things to be thankful for. I thought I’d share in hopes that it gets you thinking about what you are thankful for, and as a reminder to me that as my journey becomes more challenging, to remember all of my blessings.
Quiet moments- I am thankful for the quiet moments when it’s just Will, the boys, and me at home watching a movie or here lately documentaries on space travel. We usually pop some popcorn and discuss what we are watching. The cat retires to the ottoman and seems content as well.
Riding in the car with my mom- my mom and I are a lot of like, and she is my best friend. She goes with me a lot to doctor’s appointments with the kids. I cherish this time because we talk about all sorts of things- the past, the kids, whatever- the soundtrack to our car rides in the background is usually the Beatles or 60’s channel on my XM.
Deep discussions with my dad- I love a good debate and the most objective man I know in this world is Mike Rogers, my dad. I’m not sure why he was never a lawyer because Lord he can see both sides to anything. I love to hear him to discuss his thoughts on what’s going on in the world- I can see a light in his eyes and the passion in his beliefs. In my mind, I imagine this is how Harper Lee felt about her dad. My dad is my Atticus.
Anytime spent with my sister- with kids, work, and life, it’s rare to have a moment when it’s just the two of us. When that moment arrives, I cherish it. I’ve always looked up to her. She’s smart, funny, and the life of the party. She lights up a room just as my dad describes my mom regarding the time when they first met. I’ve always kind of envied her self-confidence and ability to do anything she decides to do. I’m not exaggerating- anything! She knows me better than anyone and knows all of the right things to say when I fall apart.
Listening to friends talk and being around friends- I love to be surrounded with friends and watch their interactions. I love listening to them tell a story or talk about their kids. I love our inside jokes that no one else knows, and how they laugh if I do an impression of something or someone. I love how they make me feel included.
A cold diet coke- okay so not as deep but I love a can diet coke that’s been in the fridge.
Getting lost in writing- if you read my blog then you know I enjoy to write. Once I start, it’s as though time stands still and I look up and thirty minutes or even an hour has passed.
Text messages with funny GIFs or inside jokes- bonus points if both are included. There’s something so special about receiving a text from a friend that took time to send a quick picture, joke or words of encouragement.
Dates with Will- when we have time, I enjoy going out to eat with just Will. We have time to catch up and afterwards, find a good movie to stream. If we are traveling, then we really enjoy trying new restaurants and wine.
New Orleans trips with the Nelson’s- we’ve enjoyed two successful trips to New Orleans with two of our dear friends, the Nelson’s. They always know what restaurants to choose and we just have the ability to roll with whatever the day brings- scheduling some outings but allowing down time.
“Playing” in Anderson’s band- my 2-year-old loves to play “band”. He plays his drums and I pretend to play the guitar. We sing all the classics like ABCD (as he calls it), Monkey (5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed) or Old McDonald. He bangs away and I sing. You best believe I’ll be backstage at every concert of his when he’s famous.
Cuddling with William Michael- he’s not quite old enough to be embarrassed by his mom or to not want to cuddle. I love spending time on the couch just the two of us watching TV or a movie.
Walking with my mother in law- I enjoy this time with her. I listen to her recount the day or share a good recipe. She always has great advice and is encouraging.
Hearing old stories about my family- I could spend a whole day talking to my Aunt Donna Sue about our family or hearing my granddad’s stories from long ago. Nothing better.
Long distance phone calls from Seattle- okay, so really with cell phones I guess there is no more long distance phone calls per se or roaming but I always look forward to talking to my friend Sarah who lives in Seattle. We’ve been friends for 18 years and each time we talk it’s as if we are still in college at my apartment or at the DZ house eating lunch.
Music, and its ability to be a time machine- I love listening to music and letting it transport me to another time. I love music’s ability to bring people together.
I always enjoy practicing being thankful. It’s a great exercise of remembering that it’s not things that we end up being thankful for- it’s people, time with people we love.
What does letting go and turning it all over God look like when you’ve spent all of your life making lists, making plans, and generally feeling like you were in control? Honestly, it sucks. It’s hard as hell. Did I mention I am also stubborn and I loathe, I mean loathe deep down into my bones to ask for help from anyone, even those closest to me. I’ve spent most of my life wanting to make others happy in thinking that it will bring my happiness. It does but it’s fleeting and exhausting. So, now God has chosen me to walk this journey. I know it’s all for a reason, and feel strongly about helping others on similar journeys. How then can I let go of this perceived control and let him lead the way?
A day at a time, a prayer at a time, being still and listening (forcing my inpatient self to wait) I think is the answer. How I am handling it? Honestly, I don’t know. Some days are better than others. I guess you have to crawl before you can walk, and walk before you can run. Today I’ve been crawling, stumbling.
Now, I know life isn’t always going to be easy. I don’t think you can fully appreciate life without its bumps, twists, and turns. I know that I am more than blessed. As I sit at my kitchen table typing this in my home with my husband and two precious boys and one fluffy cat, I know this and feel it deeply.
It’s the choices I make now on this journey that will utlimately define who I am and how it will be used for his glory. I’d like to say that how I handle every day is going to be flawless but we both know that’d be one big TALL tale as big as that fish you said you caught (or minnow). What I can say about I am going to handle it, is that I am going to handle it. I am going to get up every day and try. I’m going to continue to do my devotionals, pray and be still. I’m going to fight my inner demons, take a deep breath and ask for help. I’m going to be okay with having some days that I’m not okay. I’m going to find joy in the smallest of moments like singing and dancing in the kitchen with my kids and sharing dinner with new friends at Ezell’s looking out on the Tombigbee River. I’m going to laugh, cry and love my friends and family hard. I’m going to continue to share my struggles in hopes that it helps someone else, and I will find ways to help others. 2 Corinthians 1 3-4 says Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Step by step and day by day, I will let go and let God.
I am overwhelmed by the support I received after my last post. I want to thank each of you from the bottom of my heart for your messages, hugs, and prayers. Oh how I’ve missed hugs since pre-COVID days. Some of you have shared your journey with breast cancer. I pray that God will use me as an advocate, a voice for women battling breast cancer, early detection, earlier age for mammograms, etc. Next stop along my journey is a lumpectomy followed by a treatment plan determined by pathology report (will be determined after surgery).
Although I do my best every day to stay strong and positive, one thing that is difficult is the feeling of how normal the day to day can seem only to have a thought creep back into the mind reminding me of my diagnosis. I try to not allow those thoughts to take hold and focus on moving forward with the next task. Having small kids helps with this as we have so much to do after school- homework, soccer, dinner, and baths.
Letting go of things has also been a challenge. I am having to choose to let go of some things which I have normally been a part of (volunteer wise). My focus now is my health, my family and my job. I can’t stand the thought of disappointing someone with not being able to help but don’t really have a choice. The time I have with my family is precious and being able to rest after work is vital.
I pride myself in being positive and seeing the best in all circumstances. I do realize though that I’ve got to be realistic when it comes to what I’m facing. It’s not going to be easy. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to feel a certain way some days. This too shall pass. I’m reading “Good to Great” by Jim Collins and one thing he said sticks out as it relates to my journey:
“You must maintain an unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of difficulties, and at the same time have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.”
I am also reminded of Martin Luther King Jr’s famous speech “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop.” Although the context of his speech is related to marches and the Civil Rights movement, I can relate to what he says at the end. It reminds me of a devotion I read the other day about going up a mountain with God by your side.
“Because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land.”
This journey is my mountain. I know that by making this climb, I will experience things I have never witnessed before and my appreciation for my life, family and church will be so much greater. I will be different but I will be so much better.
Thank you for your love and support. My cup runneth over!
All of my life I have enjoyed being part of clubs both social and academically. In high school, I was a member of almost every club available and can boast that I, Ashley Rogers Coplin, was President of the High School Beta Club and a State Officer for DECA. Okay, so maybe by you reading this, you have made a couple of assumptions about my personality and some you would guess correctly. I am “A” type. I do like order and lists and thrive off a “perceived” since of control. As life goes on, you begin to realize that you have no control in the end.
Recently, I became a member of a different kind of club. One that no ever wants a membership to but sometimes, it’s part of your life’s journey. The “C” Club is unique in that it does discriminate who it invites- age, sex, nationality, race, etc. At 36, I am considered to be young for the type of membership I’ve been initiated into.
I debated sharing this on my blog and social media. However, I feel that if I can help someone if they become a member of this club than it will have been well worth it to share. What I can say about the members of this club- they are strong, supportive, and willing to share their story. They’ve provided a comfort knowing that I have someone I can ask questions, seek advice, etc. I also didn’t realize just how many have experienced what I’m going through and are members of this club.
I am learning to accept our club’s color pink. Even though, I’ve always prided myself as being more of a tomboy and often stayed away from this color. My colors have never been blush and bashful. However, there’s power in pink and what it represents so I’ve embraced it.
My biggest challenge in this journey is learning to lean on others for help. I am stubborn. I have also learned to let go and let God. In a strange way, being a member of this club has freed me from my normal worries (now seem so petty). Occasionally, I think back to before the diagnosis and part of me wants to mourn the weeks and months prior to all of this. I take a deep breath and realize that this part of my journey will only make my life so much better, better than before. I will be a better person, wife, mother, friend. I can slow down and take it all in.
To my friends and family, all I can say is “wow!” Your love and support is amazing and overwhelm me with gratitude when I think about it. I feel like George Bailey at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life”. Clarence reminds us that “No man is a failure who has friends.” Your texts, phone calls, hugs, and encouragement will get me through all of this. Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Also, now that I’m officially a member. I want to normalize the word “cancer”. It’s tough to hear and say out loud at first but it’s part of my journey. I am not going to be afraid to say the word “cancer” out loud. I have breast cancer. I will fight this cancer. I will get better.
I am at home today with my children for inclement weather from Hurricane Ida. I’ve seen a lot of posts of pictures of kids crouching in the halls during bad weather with captions referring to how we handled weather then vs. now. Seeing the kids in the hallways got me thinking about my view of school as a young teenager in the late 90’s. So, I thought I’d share some things that would have made you want to sing, It was a Good Day by Ice Cube, or if it was a bad day maybe turn to Alanis Morrisette’s famous album Jagged Little Pill or Green Day’s Nimrod to help with your teen angst.
I can always remember these weather drills because it never failed, I was sure to be wearing a dress or a skirt. With my bottom in the air, I always feared my underwear would be showing. It felt like the longest 10 minutes of my life. I’m not sure any of us enjoyed being in this position for periods of time except if you happened to be by a friend and could sneak in some conversation but teachers would constantly yell “Keep your head down; no talking!” Safety first, right?
Some days’ success could be measured by what the lunchroom was serving. If it was 1996 and you found yourself at U.S. Jones Elementary School, you had two options “Meat 1” and “Meat 2”. These options were laminated for you to present to the lunchroom worker (not having the option to view before making your careful selection). Sometimes to your detriment, what you thought sounded good did not look good but once you were line there was no turning back. For a lot of kids, Crispitos or affectionately called “Crispy Toes” were a favorite. Crispitos could turn around a bad morning. Sadly, Tyson is cancelling this old fan favorite leaving some of us who still work in education singing Say it ain’t so!
Becoming a woman is something that is to be embraced as you enter middle and high school. However, each of us enters this joyous (yeah right!) occasion at different times. If you believed what Judy Blume had written in her classic Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret, all you had to do was pump your arms and chant “I must. I must. I must increase my bust.” A tell- tale sign that a girl was on this journey was her purse. As if out of nowhere in middle school, girls everywhere started carrying Sak purses. Some of it for fashion and some of it for, well you know. I can remember one such occasion leaving my lime green Sak purse on the tennis van while we wondered in University Mall after a tennis match. Its contents were something I did not want anyone knowing but low and behold, the 8th grade tennis team boys stumbled upon it and its contents, confronting me when we returned back to the bus. Not only were you dealing with your time of the month but now for an entire 60 minutes between Tuscaloosa and Demopolis, you are grilled by older guys, snickering and making fun of your plight. Thanks Eve!
Discovering your crush may have some of the same feelings for you was both exciting and embarrassing in middle school. It would start with the selected representatives (usually their best friends) of both the boy and girl to approach for negotiations. For example, Ashley’s best friend Beth would approach Ashley’s crush and her crush’s friend, let’s say his name is Tom approaches Ashley. If they both confirm that the feelings are mutual between Ashley and aforementioned crush, affirmation of feelings are made from the new couple by sitting beside each other in gym or in the lunchroom. Furthermore, if this new couple was seen that weekend at Marengo Theatre or at one of our dance parties, it was expected that they at least hold hands and slow dance to Push by Matchbox 20 or Crash by Dave Matthews.
On the other side of “hooking up” (as we called it but don’t think we knew what that really meant), was a break up. Again, selected representatives would let the respective parties know if their relationship was over. I can remember a representative of a guy I was dating in middle school, approach me to let me know that the guy I was dating did not like me anymore. The representative the guy I was seeing called in to announce the news was a guy I had broken up with earlier that year. I think the representative enjoyed delivering the message as I had obviously hurt his feelings. As we got older, break ups were handled more on the phone. However, when it happened, Alanis Morrisette was the go-to. She had so eloquently written about heartbreak over the guy (what’s his name) from Full House. Break ups then sure beat being ghosted.
Waking up to discover a zit had developed over night could turn your 14-year-old world on its head. The stridex pads you were using and Biore strips hadn’t kept away the inevitable. And guess what, it’s picture day. Sorry Mrs. Ann, but I don’t feel like smiling and saying “I love boys or peanut butter.” They were the culprit in this travesty.
As I look back and think back about my “good” and “bad days” in middle school, I am thankful we did not have social media to remind us of what happened earlier in the day. We could go home and move on with our life. Thankfully, real problems, such as, school shootings and suicide were not as prevalent then (I do remember Columbine). Sadly, our kids are faced with more “adult” things than we were in middle school. Maybe it’s time to introduce them to some of the music that helped our bad days (minus the ones with not such good language maybe). Get them off their phones and share how we (gasp!) can relate. We were in middle school once (hard to believe!). Our clothes were not near as pricey but I still think they were a lot cooler (missing my bell bottom jeans, shirt from David’s Gallery, hemp necklace, and my knee socks!). Let’s help remind our kids that it’s okay to be a kid and to enjoy it for just a little bit longer (adulthood is the rest of your life!). There’s always tomorrow but despite everything, I can’t believe, today was a good day.
Good Day in 7th Grade rocking my Limited shirt and braces
Bad Day for a 13 year old. I’m rocking a spaghetti stripe shirt, hemp necklace and a french braid. That face screams angst.
I am grateful my job allows me to spend time with students in our high school. I also have the opportunity to serve as a Board member for the organization YOUth Lead. From these experiences I am often asked what advice I have in terms of entering college and the working world. I love getting asked this question because I love the opportunities I had while at UA and after college in my first jobs.
While at UA, I was studying to get a degree in Restaurant, Hotel and Meetings Management with a minor in General Business. My degree required an internship or so many hours working in the industry. I chose to work in the industry getting a job as a server/receptionist at NorthRiver Yacht Club. I had never waited tables a day in my life when I was hired. I was as green as the grass on their beautifully manicured golf course. I was barely 19.
When I first started working there, I thought to myself “What in the world did I get myself into?” However, as the weeks and months passed, by I began to learn more about the private club industry and started helping more and more with weddings, getting the opportunity to be the bride and groom’s special assistant (basically catering to their every need- bring them food, drink, bustle the wedding gown, and even assisting a bride to the bathroom (it’s not easy in a wedding dress!).
I found myself a few short years later being asked to help in the catering department while the manager was on maternity leave. I had just turned 21 that summer and was starting to plan events for the first time. I was scared to death but Chef Melissa in her own gruff way had me under her wing. From the experience that summer, I was offered a full-time job when I graduated as the catering manager’s assistant making a whopping $12.25 an hour with benefits and 5 whole days off for the year (vacation and sick time).
I loved working in catering at the Club. The food was amazing and the backdrop was and is still breath taking. It’s the most elegant place I have ever had the privilege of working. Years passed, and the opportunity came to serve as the Membership Director. I was almost 28 and had my first “big girl” position complete with a budget and a new office at the Golf Club. My GM, Michael Ryan was instrumental in teaching me the ins and outs of the club management business and how to best serve our 800 plus members.
Finally, my husband and I made the decision to move, leaving the place I had worked for almost 10 years -from 19 to 29 years of age behind. It was bittersweet to leave a place I considered to be “home” and that helped raise me into adulthood. I cannot begin to tell you the people there that I still miss and that I learned so much from- Kathy (my first boss and catering manager at the time), Michael (my GM), Gene (my GM during my catering career), Matt (Clubhouse Manager), Ashley and Scot (F&B Managers), Chef Melissa, Chef Melina, Ruby (line cook you better not mess with!), Misty (who is in charge of accounting and was a huge help with my budget), Jada (the most fierce fitness director I know!), Kayla (my partner in crime near the end of my career) and so many more I know I am missing!
I share all of this simply because I want kids to know that when in college or after high school, if you are able to work while in school or training, find a job. A lot of times, when looking for your first job, a lot of places require so many years of experience. From my time working during college, I was able to show I had a degree and experience. If you are as blessed as I was, you may even find people and a place that help shape you into an adult and that’s priceless.
To my friends from NorthRiver, I appreciate you giving me the opportunity so many years ago- taking a chance on a 19-year girl who was completely clueless about the club industry. This experience will forever hold a special place in my heart as you all do.
I am grateful my job allows me to spend time with students in our high school. I also have the opportunity to serve as a Board member for the organization YOUth Lead. From these experiences I am often asked what advice I have in terms of entering college and the working world. I love getting asked this question because I love the opportunities I had while at UA and after college in my first jobs.
While at UA, I was studying to get a degree in Restaurant, Hotel and Meetings Management with a minor in General Business. My degree required an internship or so many hours working in the industry. I chose to work in the industry getting a job as a server/receptionist at NorthRiver Yacht Club. I had never waited tables a day in my life when I was hired. I was as green as the grass on their beautifully manicured golf course. I was barely 19.
When I first started working there, I thought to myself “What in the world did I get myself into?” However, as the weeks and months passed, by I began to learn more about the private club industry and started helping more and more with weddings, getting the opportunity to be the bride and groom’s special assistant (basically catering to their every need- bring them food, drink, bustle the wedding gown, and even assisting a bride to the bathroom (it’s not easy in a wedding dress!).
I found myself a few short years later being asked to help in the catering department while the manager was on maternity leave. I had just turned 21 that summer and was starting to plan events for the first time. I was scared to death but Chef Melissa in her own gruff way had me under her wing. From the experience that summer, I was offered a full-time job when I graduated as the catering manager’s assistant making a whopping $12.25 an hour with benefits and 5 whole days off for the year (vacation and sick time).
I loved working in catering at the Club. The food was amazing and the backdrop was and is still breath taking. It’s the most elegant place I have ever had the privilege of working. Years passed, and the opportunity came to serve as the Membership Director. I was almost 28 and had my first “big girl” position complete with a budget and a new office at the Golf Club. My GM, Michael Ryan was instrumental in teaching me the ins and outs of the club management business and how to best serve our 800 plus members.
Finally, my husband and I made the decision to move, leaving the place I had worked for almost 10 years -from 19 to 29 years of age behind. It was bittersweet to leave a place I considered to be “home” and that helped raise me into adulthood. I cannot begin to tell you the people there that I still miss and that I learned so much from- Kathy (my first boss and catering manager at the time), Michael (my GM), Gene (my GM during my catering career), Matt (Clubhouse Manager), Ashley and Scot (F&B Managers), Chef Melissa, Chef Melina, Ruby (line cook you better not mess with!), Misty (who is in charge of accounting and was a huge help with my budget), Jada (the most fierce fitness director I know!), Kayla (my partner in crime near the end of my career) and so many more I know I am missing!
I share all of this simply because I want kids to know that when in college or after high school, if you are able to work while in school or training, find a job. A lot of times, when looking for your first job, a lot of places require so many years of experience. From my time working during college, I was able to show I had a degree and experience. If you are as blessed as I was, you may even find people and a place that help shape you into an adult and that’s priceless.
To my friends from NorthRiver, I appreciate you giving me the opportunity so many years ago- taking a chance on a 19-year girl who was completely clueless about the club industry. This experience will forever hold a special place in my heart as you all do.
What do you get when you mix a people-pleaser, self-doubter, over-analyzer, and a perfectionist? You get, well… me. I should also add that I don’t like confrontation and making mistakes. Also, I enjoy being creative, and I like to set my sights high in terms of my potential in leadership roles. My expectations are sometimes unrealistic especially when it’s the first time I try something (In my mind, I should be able to do it right the first time, every time regardless of it being the first time). So, how does this affect my day to day existence and work life?
Some days, the creative side takes over and the feeling that I can accomplish anything is exhilarating. Other days, the self-doubter and over-analyzer takes over and trashes my every thought or motivation. These days I feel like I re-read and re-read emails before hitting send or I hesitate on making an important call (playing the conversation over and over in my head, imagining what the other person might say). When the people-pleaser side comes into play, I apologize for things that aren’t really my fault and my feelings may get hurt when the other person doesn’t seem as happy with my work or what I’ve said as I think they should be.
It’s exhausting being on this ferris wheel ride I’ve created for my life. I realize there are things I need and can do to minimize these feelings. I know I should take time for myself. I know I should pray and have quiet time. I know I should reach out to a friend to talk. Why, though, do I not always do what I would tell a dear friend to do? Why do I choose to remain in the land of self-doubt some days? I am a thief of my own joy. I steal away moments that should be precious, moments with my spouse, children, with self-sabotaging thoughts about what happened at work or a conversation I had with someone.
When you see me, I will do my best on these days to have a smile on my face. You see I wear a mask. A mask that says I’m okay and I’ve got it all figured out but underneath, I’m like the rest of world, just trying to figure it out while raising two kids and working.
So, when you read this, please don’t pity me. I’m not unhappy. I know that I’m blessed or as my favorite car tag says “Too blessed to be stressed.” I just want you to know that you’re not alone if you are having the same feelings. I’m with you friend, and I just want to know that you are there with me too. I don’t care who you voted for, the color of your skin, where you are from, or anything that makes us seemingly different. I really don’t think you and I are that different. I think you have your uncertain moments like I do. Maybe you have a little bit of anxiety too. Let’s choose two things- love and grace.Let’s love one another and give each other grace (none of us are perfect).
Just know that I love you, and I give you grace to make mistakes and to keep trying. Just know I’m trying my best every day to love me and to give myself grace.
When I rushed in 2003 at the University of Alabama one hot week in August, there were no #OOTDs, Tik Tok, or social media for that matter. Facebook wasn’t invented for another two years. At the time I didn’t even know what Old Row was (found out after I joined a sorority). I didn’t know a lot about what it meant to be a sorority at UA. I had an older friend from back home that helped me navigate recs from the ladies in our hometown that had been in sororities. She also warned me about door songs and gave me some ideas on what to wear for each day. Thanks, Megan, for your help! A lot of my #OOTD would have gone something like this, “my dress is from the Limited or gasp from Cato’s, my shoes are hand me downs from my sister, and my pearl earrings (my favorite) were a graduation present from the ladies I worked with in high school.
One thing I struggled with was that in just a week’s time I was supposed to be able to find a sorority that I could call home. I didn’t think a week was long enough for me to make some magical connection with complete strangers. Most of my best friends I had known since 2nd grade. Still, I was intrigued and as the week went on and I went through the process of selecting houses or houses dropping me as I must have not fit their criteria (whatever that was-maybe they spotted a CATO tag on one of my OOTD’s). I witnessed some girls fall apart when a house dropped them. I never felt devastated when a house dropped me because I really did not know what to expect during this process (ignorance is bliss).
At the end of week, I had three houses for serious night (now called preference night). I knew from orientation this meant I would get a bid. If you had less than 3 you weren’t guaranteed a bid. I also knew they discouraged suiciding. Suicide is what happens when a girl puts only one house down at the end of Series Night which may lead to no bid. I was happy with the remaining 3 houses. During Serious Night, you are to reflect on what house you think is best for you and where you want to spend your college career. I noticed a lot of girls going through rush crying at this event. I guess they had found their place, but I still didn’t feel like I had made that serious of a connection yet.
Finally, I get to the DZ house, and meet Lindsay Beth. I ask her if we have to talk so seriously. She laughed, and said “No.” As we talked further, I realized I found someone I could actually connect with and talk to beyond the “Where are you from?” “Where’s that?” “Do you live in Tut?” Through my rush process, I always threw people off with answers to these questions because 1). No one knew where Demopolis was or really had even heard of it. 2). I lived in an apartment. It was as though their programmed, well-rehearsed responses did not fit in my narrative.
The next day I received a bid from DZ. As girls ran screaming from Bryant Denny, I walked nervously to the DZ house. DZ had not been my first choice, but I was not disappointed. I was just nervous because there was no one from my home town, which was also kind of freeing as you get to meet new people. As rounded the corner, headed to the DZ house, I spotted her holding my name. It was Lindsay Beth from the night before! Relieved, I joined her at the house, so glad to see a familiar face!
We became instant friends and she became my big sister in the sorority. I had accidentally found my home. When I wasn’t sure how to find it, it found me and with the the help of a special person, Lindsay Beth. She is one of the kindest and most non -judgmental people I know. She welcomed me with open arms and still remains a dear friend of mine.
I’m thankful for no social media during my time rushing UA. I am thankful connections were made genuinely and that in going through I didn’t pressure myself to be something I wasn’t. I am glad I didn’t decide I had to have certain Greek letters to guarantee my happiness. Most of all, I am thankful for Lindsay Beth.
My sorority family- from left to right, my twin Sarah (see previous Blog about Sarah), me (check out that pink spaghetti strap tank- it was the early 2000’s), Lindsay Beth (Big Sister), and Rachel (Lindsay Beth’s Big Sister) Before social media and a camera on your phone, we had Zaps.
I stood in my parents’ kitchen yesterday as we discussed the latest COVID-19 news and other things happening in the world. Frustrated would be one way to describe how both my parents and I feel at the moment. As we were hashing out the news, it occurred to me that one of the reasons I write a lot about my childhood is that it appeared to be a simpler time than now. However, there really is nothing “new under the sun”; good and bad have always existed. It really just comes down to the fact that we didn’t have as much access to information as we do now. Sadly, I sometimes long for not having the access we have; ignorance really is bliss. Yesterday’s conversation also got me thinking about what lessons I learned growing up as a Rogers. I decided I’d share 10 lessons (even though there are more) I learned growing up with my parents. I’ll try to note which parent I learned what lesson. Hopefully, it will be a good reminder to us all that no matter what circumstances are in the world, it’s important to lean on our family values and what we know to be true, a solid foundation. I also should note alot of these lessons were taught by my parents being an example in how they live and show to love to others.
“Give me Gravy”, part of this Blog’s title is a lesson from my dad. It is rooted in the lesson of being assertive in order to get what you want. We were in the drive thru line at the old Hardees ordering breakfast. When asked what I wanted, I hesitated. My entire life I have always been worried about pleasing others and sometimes to my detriment. My dad turned from the passenger seat and said, “Ashley, if you want a gravy biscuit, say it. Say “Give Me Gravy!”
“To make friends, you must be a friend” comes from my mom. I was extremely shy as an adolescent but yearned to have friends. In middle school, my mom helped by making the process of making friends simple; speak to one new person a day. This seemed manageable and at the end of my career at Demopolis Middle School, I knew everyone including the support staff. One of my favorite people at DMS from this experience was Mr. Barry James. He always had a smile on his face.
“Don’t be quick to judge others”-this lesson came from both parents. From looking back at journals and thinking about my life, a lot of my lessons came as a young teenager. Middle school seems to be the age where kids are categorized by groups-some by their choosing but a lot of it decided by their peers. My parents always reminded me that there was more to a person than what his or her appearance was, and you really didn’t know what their life really was like. This lesson leads into the next one.
“Treat others as you would like to be treated”, the old Golden Rule, again from both parents. In Southern terms, you “attract more flies with honey than with vinegar”.
“Accept others’ differences”- a lesson from both parents but a lot of discussion on this topic with my dad. This lesson really is a culmination of lessons 3 and 4. By learning to see beyond a person’s appearance and treating them with respect, I was able to learn more about that person, learning similarities and differences along the way. By accepting people’s differences, I was able to make friends with all kinds of people. From this experience, I have gotten to be friends with some of the most interesting people of all ages and backgrounds.
“It is better to look good than to feel good”, a lesson from my mom. Sometimes, when we aren’t feeling are best (where it be physically, emotionally, etc.), it’s important to put on something we feel confident in and face the day. By the end of the day, most of the time, your mood has shifted and you start feeling good!
“Exercise, eat right and take care of yourself”, a lesson from both parents but a lot from my dad (the 68-year-old man that still exercises like crazy and is on no medication). The lesson really hit home several years ago when I was struggling with miscarriages and high blood pressure (from the stress of it all). I also learned that I was pre-diabetic. As I sat in the swing at my parents’ house with bandages from blood work and feeling deflated, my dad simply asked “What are you going to do about it?” I knew I had the start eating better and exercising.
“Don’t take yourself too seriously”, a lesson from my mom. My mom and I are so much alike. She, too, is a recovering “worrier”. Over time, I’ve seen her develop into a confident woman and less of worrier than when I was a kid (maybe us growing up helped, not sure).
“Buy the damn X (insert here what you want”- this lesson is from my dad. I struggle sometimes with self-care and doing things for myself. A lesson in empowerment again on getting what you want and not feeling guilty. Of course, there’s a line and you don’t want to go crazy -live within your means but my God treat yourself sometimes!
“Seek the truth”- a lesson from my dad. The award for the most objective man in this world goes to…Mike Rogers. He is able to look at any situation and look at both sides. He seeks the truth in everything and has encouraged his children to do the same. This is a powerful lesson, especially in these times as it’s hard to see what the truth really is but you’ll know it when you see it, if you don’t feel it in your heart and gut first.
I hope these lessons help you to see what’s really important. In the end, all we can do is take care of what’s right in front of us- our family and loved ones. Choose love and when necessary, turn the music up.
The Peach 