I have never been good at failure and sometimes the expectations I place on myself are unrealistic.  I find myself getting in my own of way.

This past week something did not go as I had planned. For two nights, I tossed and turned- replaying the situation over and over again in my head. See that’s part of the problem- I like to be in control and when things don’t go as planned-as it happens in this life-I tend to freak out or worry. On the surface, I may appear to have it together but there are times on the inside, my inner voice won’t shut the hell up.

This cycle can be exhausting and does not leave room for growth. If you don’t make mistakes you cannot grow. I wonder how many times I missed opportunities to grow because of fear or worry.  I also wonder if I am reaching my full potential.

This also takes the joy out of  experiencing the important things in life; you become too consumed with your issue. I am also ashamed to admit that most of these things that keep me up at night are not major issues. There are plenty of people out there with major struggles and here I am stressing over something that won’t matter in a month, year, or 5 years.

What’s also interesting is that if someone comes up to meet with a similar problem, I can easily give them advice. Why can I not do the same for myself? Why can I not give myself a break or the benefit of the doubt?  I know it can be exhausting to those closest to me. As much as they try to make me feel better, the only thing that can make me feel better is if I learn how to relax and be okay with failing. Why does failing paralyze me?

As a Christian, I struggle with putting God in control completely.  I prayed before going to church this morning for an answer.  Well, he listened and provided several scriptures that have really hit home today.

One of the biggest things that stuck with me today was about Jesus. Jesus knew his fate but had complete faith in God when he said,

     Abba, Father, he cried out, everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of  suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine. (Mark 14:36)

  I cannot let the littlest things of go but Jesus, who knew he was going to die on the cross, was able to turn it all over to God. Wow!

Another scripture from Matthew 6:34 also stuck with me:

Therefore do no worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

  Relinquishing my “perceived” sense of control and turning it over to God will be the key. I don’t believe that this will happen overnight or in a month’s time.  However, I do know that I am tired of not treating myself with respect and truly giving myself room to make mistakes-just as I do for others.

 Well, I guess, I better be like Red in Shawshank Redemption, and Get Busy Living because if I continue to allow small, insignificant things to rule my life, I’m going to miss out on all the wonderful things God has blessed me with.

I put this picture of my son here as a reminder of what’s truly important.

 

 

Warmer and longer days always remind me of softball and watching baseball at Westside. I started playing softball when I was in 1st or 2nd grade. The first uniform I remember wearing was black with pink lettering.  I am not so sure black was such a great idea for playing softball in the summer in Alabama. I remember that first year I did not make the All Star team and being disappointed. I knew at that point, I wanted to be the best I could be.  I also decided I wanted to pitch. My parents have always been supportive of what I wanted to do so they helped me learn how to pitch, sling shot.

The next summer I pitched and my now best friend MC hit a line drive straight into my leg and left seam marks. She was a hell of an athlete and was naturally good at any sport she played.  I remember learning how to slide on a slip and slide with water and dawn dish washing detergent. I earned several strawberries in my softball career from sliding. I remember going to the pool and my knees getting wet and I’d pick off the skin from strawberries.  Winning a game meant you got to ride in the back of your coach’s pick up truck (because every coach had a pick up; we are in the South) and singing really loud at the top of our lungs, “We will, we will, rock you! Pick you up and drop you!” Riding in the pick up truck doesn’t seem so safe now. The trip concluded with dinner at McDonald’s. The thought of sweating and eating McDonald’s now grosses me out, lol.

I was number “10” for several seasons because I thought Chipper Jones from the Atlanta Braves was cute. How old is he now?  I also liked watching movies about baseball such as my favorite Sandlot. I still like to use lines from the movie when talking to my son- “You are killing me smalls!”  I also think of the DA Pool when the scene comes on when they are at the public pool.  Speaking of pools-no swimming on game day was a rule I can remember our coaches telling us. I wonder how many of us actually abided.

I continued to play summer ball up until I was 13. I was more interested in the opposite sex at this point and started playing tennis. I’d like to think I retired at my prime-shortstop and clean up. I was also a decent windmill pitcher at this point. The last summer I played I had braces and got hit in the mouth two days in a row by pop ups- my lips were extremely swollen. Battle scars. I’ve had a cracked nose, busted lips, a black eye, etc.  from playing softball. My tolerance for pain sure has changed.

Trips to watch the boys of summer were fun, especially at the ball fields at Westside. They had the best French fries-salty and slathered with ketchup. I also enjoyed a large pixie stick and a soft drink in a plastic cup with “Pepsi” written on it. There’s also something about the smell of freshly cut grass. We would walk around those fields several hundred times just for a chance to catch a glimpse at one of our crushes. We would sometimes sit in swings at the elementary school and watch practice. I broke a swing checking out the guys practicing and was so completely mortified that I cried. When this happened, I thought, my life as I knew it at 12 years old was over.

When I picture the Westside ball fields in my mind, I see a group of girls who loved a game, loved their teammates, and were serious about their sport (or as serious as a 9 year old can be).  I also see friends sharing secrets and French fries while stealing glances at boys who occasionally may have looked back- making these girls flush and giggle- you could live on a glance from a boy for a month at least!

Those days will be FOR-EV-ER (to be read as Squints would have said) etched in my mind. To my past teammates and former childhood baseball players, I hope this season of your life finds you well. Thanks for making my childhood pretty cool.

Officially, my last game of my summer softball career. This was a game we lost at state in All Stars.

  There’s still something special about going to a movie.We were fortunate that Marengo Theatre was open when we were growing up.

Marengo Theatre was only open Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with 2 show times- 7 PM and 9 PM. Usually the 9 PM time was a R rated movie or had more adult content. I can remember calling the theatre to wait for the recorded message to determine the movie listings. Thinking on it now, I wonder how many times it took them to get the recording just right. If you have ever tried to record a message on an answering machine then you know what I mean.

I remember when you entered Marengo Theatre, with it’s burgundy interior, there was a stand up front where you paid for your tickets. These tickets were more like raffle tickets with numbers on them (no fancy tickets with the movie listing). The stand also had a picture of the family that owned the theatre. For some reason, I remember this family portrait looking like it was from the 70’s. There was also a phone there that I used when the movie was over to call my mom to pick me up. I also believe there may have been a payphone outside (not sure). When I was a child, it had a bowling alley with 2 lanes. I don’t remember much about the bowling alley but know that my older sister attended birthday parties there. As you moved past the stand, there was a concession stand. I remember a water fountain and a clock above that fountain in that area. After making your purchases, you headed toward the theatre.  There was a door that led you to the balcony. I remember watching My Girl with my mom and wanting to sit in the balcony. Most of the time, I remember sitting in the main theatre area.

The movies was probably the only option you had to if you actually wanted to be alone with your boyfriend and/or girlfriend in Junior High. Of course, your parents had to drop you off but nonetheless, you had freedom! It was always important to have a pack of gum for fresh breath. Yes, I may have been kissed in the movie theatre and held hands, in case you are wondering about the gum.

I also remember going to see My Best Friend’s Wedding with my best friend Beth and us picking out the blue sweetarts (our least favorite sweetart; pink being the best) and throwing the blue ones on the floor. I apologize for whoever had to clean up those blue sweetarts. I would have gotten in trouble if my parents knew I had littered (still might, lol).  I also cannot tell you how many times my best friend Morgan and I went to see Titanic the weekend it came to Marengo Theatre.  I also remember watching the Spice Girl movie when it came out, as well as, some movie with Woody Harrelson about a guy losing his hand and bowling.

It usually took Marengo Theatre awhile to get a new release so it was a big deal when a new movie was showing. These movies were not in digital format. We were fortunate to be able to go to the movies as kids and return home safely.

I don’t remember the last movie I saw at Marengo Theatre and who I went with. I vaguely remember coming home from Tuscaloosa and my mom telling me it was the last showing.  When Marengo Theatre closed, it was though a part of my childhood had ended much like a movie with the credits listing all the people I had to gone to the movies with-family, friends, boyfriends, etc.

 

We got Indy (short for Indiana Jones) when I was 8 years old and in the second grade. He was a mutt (not sure a mix of what breeds). From what I remember, I believe we got him from a pound near a police station in Tuscaloosa.

From that day forward, we were inseparable; the neighborhood was ours! He tagged along with many of our adventures-from playing in the Old School yard to riding bikes to the river and back. He also napped with me upstairs in my old playhouse.

As you can imagine, he was loyal, like most good dogs. He seemed to smile at you. Once, when my sister was in a Christmas on the River parade, he followed her the entire parade route (if you’ve been to this parade, you know this isn’t a short parade by any stretch). When he came home after the parade, he had a sucker in his mouth (appearing to suck on it as we do-stick end sticking out and all).

He was also a companion for when times got tough. Two summers in a row (from the end of 8th grade and the end of 9th grade),  I had two best friends move away (a water boy and a spikey haired skater boy). Indy was there to comfort me on both occasions as hot tears streamed down my face as I hugged him as he sat beside me on our carport. After graduating high school, he was there waiting for me when I would come home from UA.

One day as I was about to leave to go back to school, I accidentally bumped him as I was backing out of the drive. He was not hurt (I was not going very fast, thankfully) but I was devastated. I could not stand the thought of hurting my best friend. It was then I knew he was getting old and tired. I knew it would be a matter of time before he would pass.  He continued to hang on for a few more years surprisingly, but then one day, I got the phone call from my dad. He had passed away peacefully underneath my sister’s home.  I was 23 years old.  The pain was deep, and it was though the chapter titled “Childhood” had been closed.

I still dream about Indy. I miss him. I know that one day we will meet again when it’s time for me to leave this earth. I asked my grandmother before she passed to take care of him. I know they are waiting on me. There’s an episode of “The Twilight Zone”, one of my favorite old shows from the 60’s, where a man and his dog go coon hunting and they end up drowning. The next scene shows them walking down a path when the man realizes they have died. He stops at one gate and the man welcomes him in what appears to be heaven but says only the man is permitted. The man refuses to go in without his dog.  They continue along the path and he meets another gentleman who welcomes both the man and dog. It is soon discovered that the first gate was actually hell, and the gate the man enters with his dog is heaven.

One of my favorite quotes from that episode epitomizes how I fill about dogs and heaven-

“A man can walk into hell with eyes wide open but the devil can’t fool a dog.”

 

 

 

Several months before I realized my grandmother was dying, she gave me a Ziploc bag of some family photos (both black and white and color), along with,  a strand of long brownish, reddish hair that had been braided.  With the hair, was a note written in my grandmother’s handwriting “Mama Wright’s hair.” Mama Wright was my grandmother’s grandmother.  In other words, the braided hair belonged to my great-great grandmother.  My grandmother never knew her mother. Ola Mae had died when my grandmother was only 2. My grandmother did know Mama Wright, Ola Mae’s mother.

I love researching our family’s history so I treasure this piece of hair, even though, I have to admit I can see where it does seem a bit odd to have a strand of someone’s hair.  I can’t help but wonder how old Mama Wright was when she cut this piece of hair? How did my grandmother end up with it? Also, how did it not get thrown away or lost and end up with me after all of these years?

The strand is long and the braids remind me of tiny links to the past. Mama Wright’s name was Zaddie. I am not quite sure on the spelling because on the back of some of her pictures there are different spellings. I wish I had a picture of her when her hair was the color of the braided strand.  The pictures I have are of an older Zaddie who lost a child (Ola Mae was only 27), lived long enough to have a TV (I saw it behind her in a picture), and still lives on through a single piece of hair that her now great-great granddaughter has.

Part of why I am here and who I am is in that strand of braided hair.

Mama Wright’s hair with two photos (the one with the TV and another with her husband Lewis in front of the “oldest and largest” cypress in Florida in 1954). I would love to know what they were doing in Florida. I’d like to think that they had worked hard and earned enough money to finally take a vacation. I also would love to know who took the photo.

 

 

There’s an old song that goes “Your mama don’t dance and your daddy don’t rock and roll.”  Whenever I hear that song, I always think to myself but my mama does dance and my daddy does rock and roll. I’m very proud of that fact.  I was very blessed to grow up in a house full of not only love but rock and roll.  There were several mornings we woke up to some classic songs from Journey, Huey Lewis and the News, and even Michael Jackson’s “Man in the Mirror” to name just a few.

I have mentioned before that I was diagnosed at a very young age with having “shy bones”. One the home remedies was my mother turning on the record player and showing me how to dance. Even being in the comfort of my home, I was too shy to dance.  Eventually, as I grew out of my shyness disorder, I begin to appreciate my mother’s dancing to the record player and my dad cranking up his guitar to jam. This became our family thing.

When it is time for vacation (even in my youth), we load up at least a guitar, amp, and microphone. I can’t sing and I never learned to play the guitar but the love of music runs deep within me.  Also, not to brag, I’m pretty good at “Name that Tune” but only if it involves music from the 60’s and 70’s.

The soundtrack of my life is continued to be written. When William Michael was born, and I was on maternity leave, he and I danced around the den in our first home quite a a bit to oldies including, “Higher and Higher” by Jackie Wilson. I try to dance with him now and he just laughs at me and I know he thinks I’m crazy (maybe one day he will appreciate it and dance with his children).

I like to sometimes to play certain songs to journey back to certain points in my life – good and bad. It helps me appreciate where I am now. I have to admit, though, my taste in music hasn’t much changed since my youth. If you were to ride with me in my vehicle, you’d notice my favorite XM stations are Classic Vinyl, Classic Rewind, Tom Petty Radio, and 60’s on 6. I do have Lithium and 90’s on 9 but it’s my first set of presets I love the most.

I think what I have learned from the fact that my mama does dance and my daddy does rock and roll is to be comfortable with who you are. So for now, I think I’ll go skip the light fandango and turn cartwheels across the floor.

 

 

9 year old me with my favorite dog Indy (aka Indiana Jones)

Dear Ashley Jane;

There are some things I thought you should know in order to be confident in who you are which is one of the hardest things to do at this point in your life.

First, glasses are now cool. I realize the glasses you currently have now don’t quite feel hip. Also, the styles that are in now will eventually come back in style later in your life. However, you will probably be to old to wear them at this point. Sorry!

Heartache and disappointment are inevitable. Without these things, you cannot experience growth. The Stones were right when they said, “You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you might find you get what you need.”

There will be some awkward moments during this time period and that’s okay. These moments will make great stories to share with your children when they are this age. Embrace this time in your life; your childhood is a magical time.

Spend as much time as you can with your grandparents. Write down their words, record their words, cherish thesewords! They will not be around as long as you would like.  Your sister is your best friend. She’s known you the longer than anyone (not including your parents) and loves you. She will be there for you in a way you can’t imagine at this point.

Don’t forget the greatest gift God gives us is love. Love even when the other person may not feel the same about you. The greatest gift you can give someone is love and time. Forgive others; holding a grudge only hurts you.

Don’t take yourself too seriously; not everything has to be perfect all the time. Life is messy. Remember, when life gets tough, turn on Motown and dance. Laugh often and at yourself. Be patient and slow down. It’s not about your timing; it’s about God’s.

The friends you have now may not always be your friends and that’s okay. The true friends will always be there even if you don’t see them everyday. When you do see or talk to your true friends, you will pick up where you left off. Your husband will make you a better person and is your best friend.

Most importantly, love yourself and then you will be able to do the rest!

Love,

32 year old ME

 

 

 

 

 

 

We have a lot of firsts we like to talk about.  In our youth, it would have been about our first kiss (ironically, I live across the street from the house I had my first French kiss, not a topic I’ve discussed with my neighbors, lol).  As a youth and an adult, it may be the first time someone tells you they love you (Will and I said “I love you” on our first date and never looked back). Of course, there’s always the negative firsts-a heartbreak, job loss, etc. We grow from these type of firsts and share them in hopes to help others in the future.

However, what’s been on mind lately is the firsts that happen after someone you love passes away. These firsts are not always discussed as much as the ones mentioned above. I started thinking about these firsts as they relate to the recent passing of my grandmother. William Michael, our son, wrote his whole name yesterday and when I mean his whole name I mean “William Michael Coplin.” I immediately shared with grandparents, aunts, etc. Instantly, I thought about how I needed to go see Maw Maw Faye and let her know the good news. Then, reality hit and a small pain shot through my heart. This small pain was much like the hours after she passed; I walked into her home for what we be the first time without her being there (not in a sense she was not home but that she would never be back). It was an odd feeling and still is from time to time (I imagine it will be that a way awhile). As my cousin and I discussed the other day, from the décor in her home to the shoes in her closet, it is and will not ever be the same.

I have always been taught to seek the truth in every situation. I have been searching for the truth in these “firsts” that everyone has to experience.  I think these “firsts” are there to remind us how much the ones that passed on mean to us. It’s a way to never forget them (not that anyone ever would) and hold them close to our hearts.  These “firsts” will never be easy but should be embraced. We must remember, too, that our loved ones are still with us to share these moments. I’d like to think of my grandmother as a guardian angel and smiled when she saw William Michael write his whole name. If you listen closely and pay attention to your surroundings, I believe our loved ones are letting us know they are there.

From left to right, my grandmother  and her sisters, brother, and father. All have passed except for Aunt Myrle.  I like to imagine when my grandmother passed, she entered heaven looking as young as she was in this photo.

 

 

It’s funny how a place can be like a time machine and transport you back in time. As I walked around the Old School today, it became the late 1990’s again. Insert your favorite Weezer song here (from the blue CD) or maybe a song from the Cranberries.

The Old School is just as it’s name states, an old school. Once used as an elementary school, but by the time I was a kid, it was home to SAP (kids that had been suspended had to go there) and the local theatre group, Canebrake Players used it for their productions (and thankfully, still do today).

It was a practice field for our softball team (despite having no dirt), as well as, a place I could practice hitting tennis balls against its huge wall.  Climbing up it’s old metal steps and reaching the top was like scaling a mountain! It was also a place to play yard football with some of the coolest kids you had ever met at the age of 12. It was a place to ride your bike or roller blade down it’s long sidewalk.  It was also where your older neighbor’s band practiced (picture a lot of plaid and insert teen angst here- Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box). Older guys always seemed so much cooler than the immature ones in your grade.

As a young teenager, it was a place to sneak off too and still a few kisses and hold a sweaty palm (insert Matchbox 20’s Push, classic make out song in 97′).

When we hung out at the Old School, all we had was time. We were just trying to find our place where we might fit in in Junior High and how to get our crush to notice us (insert Love Fool by the Cardigans here). The Old School represents a simpler time that I will always cherish. The Old School helped raise me.

 

*This is dedicated to my friends from Junior High. I may not see you everyday or talk to you everyday but thank you for your friendship during those awkward years. I will never forget the times we had.

 

Our home was built in 1986. I love our home but as my friends and family all know there is one room I am not to thrilled about-our upstairs bathroom. I call it our blue bathroom. All of the fixtures, sink, toilet, and tub are powder blue. The tub is an insert and could never be described as luxurious garden tub. I know at the time my home was built this was probably a luxury. I often complain about it to one of my best friends Morgan. I know she’s probably tired of hearing about this bathroom.

This week, I traveled to Mobile for work. I ended up staying an extra day due to the snow and ice (unusual weather we are having in Alabama lately). I was thankful Will, my husband, could be with me. I was glad to get home tonight. I of course missed William Michael, family, and fur baby Polly, but I missed something I didn’t think I would-that old blue bathtub. I was excited about the thought of bathing my son and soaking after he goes to bed.

That old bathtub reminded me of what home means. Yes, it’s nice to have a house with rooms full of your favorite furniture and art but in the end, home is really the place you can truly relax and unwind. It’s a place to spend time with loved ones and just be. I am thankful for that old bathtub. It’s full of sounds of childhood bubble baths and splashing, as well as, sighs of relief. One day, I’m sure we will replace that old blue bathtub and in a weird way, I will miss it. William Michael will probably be older and there will be no more toys in the tub. So until then, I think I’ll stop complaining about that old blue bathtub, and instead make another bubble bath for William Michael and later when he’s gone to bed take another soak.

The old blue bathtub – on any night, you might find a new toy and sometimes it’s one that doesn’t necessarily go in a bathtub. 🙂