Finishing a major part of a journey is a funny thing. Today was my last chemo treatment. I had 4 hard treatments of the “red devil” and 12 very manageable treatments thereafter. 16 treatments in all. 16. I remember how I longed to be 16; now that number has a new meaning. Even the Benadryl today couldn’t keep me asleep as I watched the minutes and hours tick by. At 10:20 AM, I had a countdown going on in my head and as the machine beeped at me around 10:45 AM signifying that the medicine, as well as, time was winding down, I could feel the anticipation of the final steps-flush the port, pull the port out, apply a bandage with the words echoing in my mind “You are done.” “You are done.” Part of it doesn’t seem real.

My throat was tight this morning and my eyes a little misty. I haven’t fully grasped that I’m done, and I know a moment is coming where I’ll have a good cry- tears of joy, relief, fatigue, guilt. I am sure you weren’t imaging the world “guilt” but when sometimes when you go through something you know others will not be as lucky, there’s a little survivor’s guilt. I remember feeling this way living in Tuscaloosa after April 27 and seeing the devastation. Although I haven’t rang the bell, (decided to wait until after radiation) some will never hear that sound, and it pains me.

I am honored to have ended my chemo journey the day after Easter. I’ve thought about the sacrifice Jesus made and how he has supported me and seen me through the good and bad days. I was asked to read at church on Saturday about the promises God made to Abraham. He told Abraham to look at the stars and try to count them- that’s how blessed Abraham would be. I feel that way about this journey- some many blessings-like the stars and Abraham, I cannot count them all.

I think about how my own journey has changed me. I want to thank my husband, children, friends, and family for their constant support. Almost every treatment, there was my mom, a constant, a constant not having to say a word but be present. Thank you, God, for her presence and strength. My husband- patient, loving, and continuing to shave his head until my hair grows back. Text messages, lunch visits, etc. from friends have meant the world to me. I’ve not been perfect in this journey but have tried to remain positive and to push forward, and they’ve stood by me each step of the way. That kind of love is overwhelming, and I cannot begin to express how much that means to me.

Today, I went by and saw my grandfather. He called me over. I knelt down, and took his hand. He told me that he remembered when I took my first steps at his old house- the Yellow House (my favorite house). He said he called Maw Maw and said, “She just took her first steps.” It was a sweet memory and a moment I will never forget and will hold on tightly in my heart.

Today, I took my first steps in moving past the chapter of my life titled “Cancer”. As I turn the page and end the Chemo Chapter, I take a deep breath, wait on the next leg of the journey- radiation. I thank God and remind myself- to remember these moments, learn from these moments, share these moments, and use it, use it to help others. I am ready Lord. I am ready to serve.

There’s an old Steve Martin film called The Jerk in which Steve Martin’s character thinks he has discovered that he has rhythm and has found music that “speaks” to him. I’ve included the clip with this blog for reference. I can relate so much to this clip as I have no rhythm and coming from a talented musical family, this makes me the black sheep in a sense.

It’s not that my family didn’t try to include me. They did, and it happened one Christmas when I was in 7th or 8th Grade. I was being nosy and shaking my Christmas presents when I realized that one of these gifts was indeed a tambourine. It was their attempt to include me or help me find rhythm, but alas, there was no hope. The handle of the tambourine was red and had a nice grip. It was a nice tambourine but really deserved a better owner.

Have you ever been to a bar when a “woo” girl decides it’s time to play the tambourine or the band calls one of them up? For reference, a “woo” girl is defined by the old TV show How I Met Your Mother as a girl at a bar that screams “Woo!” when the band starts to play. I am myself was a “woo” girl back in college but was not, no matter how much liquid courage I had consumed, the “tambourine woo” girl. These were special “woo” girls that had rhythm. They were more likely a cheerleader, dance line member, or just had the right genetics passed down to them.

What have I learned from the old tambourine? I’ve learned that even though I’m not a musician, there is still a place for me in the band. It’s not always your time to be on stage in the lime light; sometimes God’s most important people are in the background making sure the equipment is set up correctly or it’s your job to cheer on those in the band and yell “Woo!” God uses us all and for different reasons at different times.

Now, I know my family loves me despite my lack of musical talent and that tambourine served a purpose. God’s okay, too, with me singing a “joyful noise” on Sunday as that’s how he created me. My “woo” days aren’t quite over because my dad and sister still know how to rock so it’s fun to yell “woo!” when they play a gig.

Honestly, after this year, I may just change my mind and be the “tambourine woo” girl but I can’t promise it will be in time. I’ll shake that old tambourine in celebration of moving past this chapter and then maybe I’ll get my own “woo!”

The day ended with the best fried chicken I’d ever eaten- from Jackson’s in Camden, Alabama. One of my best friends Russell and I had just finished one of the best tours I’ve experienced- the Home Tours in Wilcox County. If you have not done this and are a fan of old homes, be sure to like the Wilcox Historical Society Facebook page. Get your tickets as soon as they go on sale in December. It is worth it! And, please eat Jackson’s fried chicken and bring me back a box.

As Thelma and I, Louise, (oops I mean Russell and me) rode off into the sun (we didn’t kill anyone or run off a cliff) from the tour, eating our chicken (best straight out of the box, no plates or etiquette necessary), I began to think about how this past year has changed me and for the better. First and foremost, I have to say that God brings people in your life and at the right time. Russell and I became fast friends after one phone call. He means so much to Will, me, and our boys. He keeps us laughing with his quick wit and is a big giver.

One of the things I love about older homes are the parlors in the front. Parlors in the South were where guests were received and welcomed in the home. I imagine the lady and gentleman of the home rushing out to greet their guests with warm hugs and beverages, much like we do now except not as formal; we always end up in our kitchen when I have guests. Much like our friendship, Russell welcomed me, a stranger, coping with a new diagnosis with no questions asked. Upon walking up to one of these homes, Wakefield (probably my favorite that day), a gentleman dressed in period clothing, greeting guests, made a point to speak to me. He recognized that I was undergoing treatment and told me, he too, was a survivor for 10 years. There was a mist in his eyes and his voice lowered when he spoke. I could tell it pained him to see another member of the Cancer Club. The thing about this Club, once you are in, the out pour of support is overwhelming. We welcome new members open arms, but it pains us to know what that person has to endure. I’ve included a picture of him with this blog. I cannot begin to tell you what it meant to me that he came over and spoke.

These past few months, I’ve gotten closer to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and the proverbial finish line. Being able to handle the latest rounds of chemo, has done so much more for me as it has allowed me to do things with friends, family, the boys, and Will.

I challenge us all-regardless of where we are in life and challenges we are facing- to seek new friends, treasure the old ones, and find new roads. God has so much planned for us all. I thank God for giving me a new view into life through my Cancer journey. I also thank him for my new friend Russell. I thank him for the friends I still treasure and who have been stars to guide me. I thank him for a supportive husband that continues to shave his head until mine grows back.

Next year, we will travel back to Wilcox County. I hope to stay in a Bed and Breakfast the night before the tours. By then, I’ll have hair! I’ll dress in period clothing, eat period food, and eat fried chicken. No one will be able to tell this Scarlett anything!

The weekend of this home tour was a peek into what my life can be- full of adventure, wonderment, and joy from the simplest of things- fried chicken, back roads, friendship, and old homes.

The gentleman that spoke to me, a survivor for 10 years!

Do middle schoolers still have dances in garages, carports, patios and back yards anymore? You know the kind where there are stringed lights, cd players and black lights? The soundtrack to your life (Slide by Goo Goo Dolls or Dave Matthew’s Band Crash) plays at the moment that THE GUY asks you to dance, and it all seems to be happening in slow motion. You’re thankful you wore your favorite pair of Calvin Klein jeans with your Boston Birkenstocks and that you sprayed a little Sunflower by Elizabeth Arden on, thinking the combination of all 3 things must have brought you some type of good luck and that God above performed some type of miracle. Your brain can’t process what’s happening as your best friend nudges you forward with a slight cough to get your attention. Then, if THE GUY asks you to go for a walk, your palms automatically start to sweat, you pop a piece of gum in your mouth, and wonder if he has braces and you have braces, will you get stuck?

Time seems frozen in 1997. There may be an opportunity to snap a picture if someone has a disposable camera or a polaroid camera. For now, however, the only evidence of this dance and THE GUY asking you to dance is being etched into your memory. He smells like Tommy Hilfiger and is rocking a pair of Timberlands; you recognize the scent because your best friend and you constantly spray it on cards at Parisian’s and stick in your Sak purses.

The crowd notices when you two arrive from your walk. No one has to know whether or not you actually kissed; a white lie to save face shall suffice. The boys cheer as if THE GUY won the winning touchdown in overtime. Not much will change when you are adult in terms of how men react to their friends advancing with women. Your friends rush over and giggle and that will not change either when you become an adult.

The next CD plays One Headlight by the Wallflowers and in the next morning, you are 36, scrolling through Facebook. A familiar song plays on your XM radio and you remember a 12-year-old girl, a time, and place. You smile… “Me and Cinderella, we put it all together…”

So, I’ve been watching the Netflix mini-series Inventing Anna recently. I’ve been fascinated with how this 25-year-old girl (because at 36 almost 37 anyone under the age of 30 seems soo young now) could fake her way into scamming millions… I mean MILLIONS of dollars from well to-do folks, fancy hotels, etc. I’ve also been thinking about what type of persona I have online. Being an internal optimist, I choose to only post happy things, such as, my children, dates with my husband, and my cat. Also, when I blog, I try to remain positive. I try to stay true to who I am in hopes that it makes you smile, laugh or think. Am I hiding behind some of the pain of this year- hell yeah, I am, but what good does dwelling on something you have no control over? I also realized, however, that maybe I should share some of the not so good in my life as it might help others going through similar situations. Give them a voice.

I noticed the settings on my washing machine just now. They read (as I am sure most do): Normal, Heavy Duty, Whites, Bedding/Waterproof, PERM Press, Quick Wash, Delicates, etc. Now, I’m not an expert but I sure as heck hardly ever use PERM press or even delicate (honestly, maybe never). I’m mostly a Normal, Heavy Duty, Whites, and Bedding kind of gal. I’m sure I could start a war on social media regarding my washing habits, but I digress. Life’s a lot like these settings. normal is good but sometimes things get Heavy Duty. Things become Delicate and hard to talk about. We wish everything could be a Quick Wash but alas it’s just not possible.

My life flipped its script, and my settings went from Normal to Heavy Duty in September of 2021. Everything changed with one diagnosis. I’ve come a long way since that phone call. I was in the car with my mom and youngest leaving Tuscaloosa from the pediatrician. I pulled over in the Bojangles parking lot to get the news. The worst part was telling my mom and having to drive an hour in silence waiting to tell my dad that was waiting in Demopolis. They had to have their moment of being upset, and I know they didn’t want to fall apart in front of me. I also dreaded telling my 8-year-old after a soccer match one night. I didn’t have much time to think as it was time to schedule a surgery and find a way to tell people. I’m sorry if you found out on a text or read it in my blog. It’s so much easier to type those kinds of things than say them out loud.

Did I fall apart or have some moments of ugly crying? Yes, I did, and I have; I will. Did I have moments where I felt sorry for myself? Yes. I will. Did I get so sick I couldn’t keep anything down? Yes, unfortunately, once after one of my “red devil” chemo treatments. Did I get back up? I did, I am. Am I a fighter? Yes, short people tend be scrappy regardless of a cancer diagnosis because we can’t even reach things at Wal Mart. Do I make off-color cancer jokes? All the time. Am any different than you? No, I am not. You would do the same thing. You would cry, fight, get mad, tell awful jokes. Why? Because you have people that depend of you, and you’ve got so much more to do with this life!

Now, one lumpectomy and one surgery to get clear margins, a few mammograms, ultrasounds, and 8 chemo treatments behind me, I can say I am no longer the same Ashley as I was before. I hope that I am better. Inventing Anna shows the world what’s like to be a scam artist and that you can never really know a person. I hope that when you read this, you know that you are getting my God honest truth. I want to help you, your mother, your sister, anyone fighting cancer. “Don’t you know who I am (insert Anna’s God-awful accent on Inventing Anna)?” I am the one that will fight with you, for you, beside you.

Today was treatment number 3 of the remaining 12 rounds of chemo I have to do. I’ve already done 4 rounds of the hard devil making my treatment count up to date 7. Not that anyone’s counting..Oh wait… I am. It’s now part of the road I’m walking down. The twists and turns of life has brought a lot of us to the Cancer Center and to frequent what I affectionately call the “The Chemo Lounge”. Doesn’t that sound a little bit sexier?

I find myself wanting to know the patients’ stories around me. So much of me wants to ask questions and befriend everyone. It’s tough though for us all because at some point the Benadryl kicks in, and we all dose off (including me). I dose during the Price is Right. I’m the youngest in the room so there is a lot of wisdom in one room. Each of us with our own unique story to tell, and cancer we’re fighting. Behind each of us are family members and friends praying over us and God leading us to this very moment (each for different reasons). I’ve learned that many of us have friends in common or that they know my parents.

We’ve become our own Breakfast Club of sorts as we enter the lounge. A lot of us walk in with greetings and “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Today, I discovered that the gentleman next to me and I had at least two mutual friends. As we were watching the Price Is Right, I could hear him say “No, not that one!” and a lot of his answers were right. Having to get chemo frequently allows a lot of opportunity to get the price right.

The nurses and the staff are equally or even friendlier than the patients. They smile and greet us by name and offer a small chat or hug at the end of a treatment. By choosing each day to smile and chat with us, they are as important as the treatment itself- encouragement. All humans need it, and they need to find comfort and a friendly face no matter where life chooses to take them but especially during cancer.

As much as I’m ready to move past this long chapter in my book, I must admit I will miss seeing some of the regulars at the chemo lounge. I’m praying they don’t remain regulars and move on. I pray they use their experience for God’s glory as I must do.

There’s one regular who will never leave the Cancer Center- Jesus. He will always be there- listening to our greetings and smiling-knowing he is witnessing God’s work first hand. No one getting treament or fighting cancer at the Cancer Center is alone. No one.

Above, a Valentine poem – a lot it is true but it’s what you choose to do (with your diagnosis) is what will get you through (see that I rhymed- I know you are impressed!)

Who were we before kids? I honestly can’t remember. We were 22 and 26 respectively when we met. We were babies. We married at 25 and 29- youngins’. I think we used to eat Mexican once a week with friends, and I drank margaritas. I think we hung out at Rhythm and Brews or Rhythm and Cougars as I affectionally called it. We would go to people watch, drink beer and hear our favorite band Mojo Trio. Our only child, Polly, our cat was much smaller. We slept in. We also loved the family that owned the Chinese restaurant in the same shopping center as the Mexican restaurant. Chinese was our Sunday routine.

We also rode on our neighbor’s pontoon and drank too many Limearitas. You ate a LOT of sausage and corn on the cob. You may have even all of the sausage. We were genuinely happy.

Whatever I can remember about our life before hand does not begin to compare to our lives now with two precious boys that keep us running, and I mean running especially Anderson. I wouldn’t trade our life now for anything. I am thankful for the times before but more grateful for now.

Some things don’t change. We still like Mexican food at least once a week. I traded my margarita in for an unsweet tea (got to watch those carbs!). Polly is still our fur baby even though she’s 11! No more Chinese at our favorite place as we moved back home. Sundays are now for church and naps.

I love the life we’ve created that continues to evolve. We’ve added to our little family, and I pray it continues to grow and one day, we are with our grands. I’ve been praying lately for just an opportunity for a dance with our sons at their weddings. I don’t know why, but it’s been on my mind.

Whatever life gives us, I’ll just be fine as long it’s you and me, and when we retire, let’s go back to watching bands and drinking beer, occasionally at least.

Our first home in Tuscaloosa down 69 South. Wow, look my toes were done. Don’t ask about them now.

As a kid, I subscribed to Seventeen magazine and read Cosmo for the um… oh well, you know why we all read Cosmo. Now as an adult, I read Southern Living and House Beautiful. All of these magazines are great for ideas but don’t necessarily paint my reality. If we compare ourselves or our homes too much, we will start feeling less than or inadequate. Combined now with social media pressures of what a perfect mom looks like, we are all doomed.

I’ve always liked the saying “Yes, Queen!” I think as women we are all queens and have earned our crowns. Hear me out. None of us our perfect but we sure try our damnedest everyday for the ones we love. So here are a few reasons to not let anyone steal your crown.

1. You made your kids their favorite breakfast, packed them lunch, made it to school one time and rocked it at work. Yes, Queen!
2. You put away the laundry as soon as it was dried or at least in 3 to 4 business days. Yes, Queen!
3. You cheered your son on at his basketball game while feeding your newborn and managing the other siblings. Yes, Queen!
4. You took time to give a friend a much needed hug and shared a laugh. Yes, Queen!
5. You visited with your parents. Yes, Queen!
6. You went to church. You took time to pray for someone. Yes, Queen!
7. You gave yourself grace when things didn’t go exactly planned. Yes, Queen!
8. You took time for yourself and took that bath, read that book or got your toes done! Yes, Queen!
9. You sang Wheels on the Bus for the millionth time or answered “Yes Papa!” when your toddler sang Johnny, Johnny. Yes, Queen!
10. You loved and continue to love. Yes, Queen!

So, as you can see from list, no one can steal your crown. I didn’t say anything about what you ate, what size you are, what your income is, the size of your home, etc. because hell, we are trying to make it the best we know how. You chose love and according to the Beatles that is all we need.

So, sit up a little straighter, smile back at that reflection in the mirror, straighten your crown; you’ve earned it.

Yes, Queen no one can steal it.

I was excited to start the week and dress in something other than tights and a t-shirt. Last week’s treatment was the toughest by far, and I felt like the fog from it was finally lifting. I looked forward to going to work and getting my mind on something else. First, though, was a visit to the doctor. My blood work was good but it looks like I will not be getting a break between treatments as I had originally thought. My last hard chemo will be next week followed by a week off then I’ll start my weekly 12 rounds of chemo. After those fun weeks, it’s 6 to 7 weeks of radiation.

All of this swam around in my head but it was off to work. I have tried to think one step or one treatment ahead but it can be hard. Especially when you are a planner by nature. Work was good except the Excel spreadsheet I had been hard at work on didn’t save. I finally gave in and left. And did I mention the crack in my phone decided to affect my entire screen?

By far the highlight of today after accepting my new year outlook, letting go that sometimes Microsoft sucks and the fact that I’ve got to be more careful with my phone, was bath time with Anderson. Bath time is a big deal as it requires numerous toys including Iron Man and the Hulk. As they tower over the bath tub, they remind me of two important truths- it is important what we do when we are upset (Hulk) and what can be accomplished with great will and determination (Iron Man).

I remind myself that even though this year is going to be probably one of my difficult is that I will do it. It will be hard but I will do it. There is no need to spend time being upset. In the meantime, I’ll spend more time worrying about what toys I need to put in the bathtub to make my 2 -year- old happy. Kids are a blessing.

Thanks Iron Man and Hulk.

Tis the season for sappy Hallmark movies where the leading lady moves to a small town to start a new career and to fall in love. We like these movies because they are predictable and make us all believe we can start over anytime we want. Life is not so much a Hallmark movie but sometimes can be even more magical-better than the best Hallmark script writer could dream up.

Today was that day. Today, I said good bye to my hair and really my old life. I woke up mixed emotions. Would I be sad? Would it be hard? Honestly, I’ve never been a big hair person and there has been more hair shed in these past days-more than the amount of snow Demopolis may or may not see this winter. At this rate more because Christmas is going to be in the 70’s!

Today was one of the happiest days of my life. I was surrounded by people who love me and are supporting me every step. I cannot begin to say enough about the ladies that were present. When we first moved back, I often felt like I didn’t have a circle or people. However, in these few years, I have come to rediscover old friends and gain new friends. Side note-if you feel like you do not have “people”, there is always an open spot at my table.

The biggest surprise today and by far one of the best moments (if not the best) in our married lives came when my husband joined me by shaving his head. Girls, I tell you it made my heart skip a beat. This selfless act of love-I just don’t know how to put into words. I also think my husband is really cute with no hair. Now, that’s it out there, I want to ensure the rights to this act of love are mine, and if Hallmark decides to use it in a script, I have full copyright and will be compensated when and if they choose to use in their movies.

The fight continues with two more hard treatments and 12 more rounds of chemo followed by radiation. Today, I had a chance to not think about the fight and just be present, be happy. It’s a tough road but paved with wonderful people along the way that’s making it manageable. Dorothy didn’t make it to Oz without her people. Just as I want make it to the end of the journey without my support system and God.

There are so many going through the same hard journey. Some you may not know are fighting this battle. I hope that I can be there advocative, voice. I carry them with me. No one fights alone.

Being bald is not so bad. It has its own perks-no blow drying, no shampoo, no stress. It’s only hair. It will come back. In the end, if I’ve learned anything is that moments matter. Friendship matters. Sisters matter. Husbands matter.

Love matters.