Tag: faith

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole, truth, and nothing but the truth? My truth behind medical menopause.

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The first step in being in denial is to admit you are in denial. So here goes, I’m living denial and have been. Since my original diagnosis at 36, I’ve been in medically induced menopause. Honestly, I didn’t do any research to know what that meant. I was glad to be alive and did not know the drastic changes that my body would go through. You know the feeling of going down the highway, windows rolled down? Yeah, it’s like that but then somebody pulls the parking brake on you. You can hear the sound right? It’s similar to someone stopping a record mid way through a song. The radio changed to “Here, I go again on my own (Whitesnake) to “Highway to danger zone.”

One minute I was young and carefree, now I am literally counting the colony of chin hairs in the car mirror and staring at myself, bags and all, wondering what happened. Now, when you read this, please know that I am not seeking validation or pity. I write to recognize my own thoughts in hopes that it helps others. As I type, our new kitten runs back and forth across the keys and I continue to hit back space. Cats are sadistic and lovable. The game continues.

Also know when I type this I am not bragging when I say I used to not have a weight problem. I didn’t. I was a normal size. I could eat whatever I wanted and walk it off. Now, I am 10 pounds plus overweight, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything except drink copious amounts of diet coke, eat cheese and crackers (or some other salty snack), and binge things on Netflix. I have bursts of energy but no continuous energy. The weight hangs on me like a size too big, drenched rain jacket. I drag it around, try to tuck it in or hide it behind dresses. My bottom half widens and I feel like a trailer (in two parts) going down the highway. All that’s missing is the “wide load” sign. My hair is thinning or my forehead is getting bigger (one of the two). What do hormones affect (and when you don’t have them)? Let me count the ways friend. I relate more to Quiser Boudreaux than Shelby.

My life currently is in piles- piles of laundry, piles in the car, etc. I’ll eventually tackle but for now, let’s just say “meh”. Does that mean I am depressed? Hell yeah, I’m depressed because I still want to eat and do whatever the hell I want and I can’t! I am grateful for the piles but for now they mock me.

Meanwhile, God love him, my husband gets up and gets ready, still doesn’t look a day over 20 something. Yes, I am jealous if you are asking. My husband is structured. He knows exactly what supplements he takes and how they work. He still has the same energy as his 20 year old self. I take the required medication. I ate quiche this morning and all I could think was how good the crust was.

I’m sure it’s my relationship with food. It started when I couldn’t eat during chemo to survive and then celebrate with food when the appetite returned. Now, there’s nothing that excites me about food. I’ve run out of ideas. I would rather live off bread. Just saying. Jesus said he was the bread of life but didn’t mean for us to just eat bread though I thought about praying to God about letting me just have bread and to lose weight. I didn’t. I knew he would hear that prayer, chuckle, and think, “Yeah right, Ashley Coplin. Have you seen what all I’ve provided with you to eat?” I have God. I just don’t want it. No offense.

Knowing is then half the battle but now how do you pick up the piles, yourself up and make that change. Elephants eat one bite at a time. I know I know. Baby steps, grace, etc. When I tell you that I have no motivation, I have zero. I am genuinely happy but not happy with myself. I don’t want diet suggestions, medications suggestions, etc. I want someone to see me -where I am at- and say, “this sucks- but you got this. I got you. It ain’t gonna be easy and sometimes not fun but hey there’s always ‘Towanda’. Keep getting up, keep trying, put down the bread. Get busy Ashley Coplin because you have a WHOLE life to live. This too shall pass.”

So, I told you I’d tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The whole truth is that life is hard for everyone. Everyone has their battles. We’ve got to admit that and help each other even when we feel helpless. God put us on this life to do that very thing- love.

So, as the cat continues to bite the crap out of my foot (at least he’s not on the keyboard), I’ll get up and I will continue to get up and try, try, try again. One pile at a time. I’ll put healthy food on my pick up with disgust and humor. I’ll continue to tell the truth so that I recognize what I’ve got to do. I’ll help you. I’m here. I love you, chin hairs and all. How many do you have?

If you don’t, well then bless your heart, you are in for a treat darling. I guess I’ll count my chin hairs as blessings as I’m still here. I am still alive.

Dammit kitty, I’m done. Are you happy now?

The Lighter Side of Cancer

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I first want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers during my 2nd cancer battle. I will be forever grateful, more than I can express or put into words, without fighting back tears. Thank you, thank you!

Fighting cancer requires a sense of humor and a sense of humility. I find ways to laugh throughout treatments and look for the brighter side of cancer. Just as I try to share the hard parts of my journey, I vow to also share some funny moments, beginning with my first two injections.

The first two injections were performed by two nurses, one on each side of, um, how shall I say, my backside. They sprayed to numb the area and administered the doses at the same time. It takes a literal minute for the medicine to go in. I found myself staring at the chair, wondering what type of conversation I should have while they administered the shots. “Should I ask about the weather?” “How did they meet their significant other?” “Do they have kids?” “Does it look okay back there?” “Are we now all dating as this has to be at least 2nd base?” I can only hope that I get the same nurses next time, as maybe this could be some kind of weird bonding thing.

Earlier in the day, as we prepared to go into the elevator at the Kirklin Clinic, a gentleman sped out of the elevator on a scooter that was surprisingly faster than any I had ever seen. Questions entered my mind- “Does he need a license to drive that thing?”Did he rig it to go that fast?” “Where can I get one?” I mentioned the scooter to another elevator passenger, and she said, “Well, sh*t, my mother would have gone too fast on one of those.”

The day continued to be interesting while waiting for the aforementioned injections. A lady stood up and commanded the audience in the waiting room adjacent to mine. She said, “Good morning” with a strong declaration that commanded the audience to respond back strongly, “Good morning.” Then, she delivered one of the most eloquent sermons I’ve heard- short but sweet. “There are people who wish they could be where you are; do not give up. You are going to be okay.” Now this was not verbatim, but you get the idea. The waiting room and I were lifted from her short sermon. I was reminded that God can use anyone to deliver his messages and Testimony.

Cancer has forced me to consider my diet and to exercise more frequently. Quite frankly, something I should have always been doing, but sometimes it takes a diagnosis to force my hand.

I started taking my medication this week as well, with no side effects, a blessing. My prayer is that it works in halting the growth and spread of my cancer. I pray for strength and focus, not letting my mind go down the wrong path. I pray for patience and understanding. I pray to use this journey in hopes of helping others. I pray for a continued sense of humor and to laugh even when it’s easier to cry.

When I started blogging about my journey, it was in 2021, and I had just joined the “C” club. Now, with my 2nd invitation to the club, I declare myself Madam President.