life – Page 2 – The Peach

One, two, three, four, and how many centimeters are each? What does a centimeter look like? Damn. Why can’t they just use inches? I’ve never been a big fan of math (your dad is a math teacher). Thoughts swirl around in my head like a tennis match —the thoughts are the tennis balls. In which is this located?

Two recent CT scans with contrast show some possible signs of recurrence of cancer; one area being my lungs. I’ve been using Chat GPT to read my reports; ironically, its explanation is more human-like, and the radiology report seems more AI.

I was skipping down the yellow brick road again, and now I’ve veered off back into the dark forest. I thought we had killed this wicked witch; I thought the broomstick was in my hand.

My first DNA test was done on Thursday, and in ten days, it will show whether or not the cancer is back. It is referred to as ctDNA. I also have a pending date for a biopsy. The issue is the tissue. So, I’m chasing the rabbit back into Wonderland, so to speak, with peak highs – “I’ve got this!” to “Is this it?” Satan takes pleasure in the unknown, so I busy myself at work and home, but at night, the tennis match starts over.

I know that my mind and faith are my biggest weapons. I deploy them as often as I can. I am only human, so it waxes and wanes. 40 stares down the road next week with many, many questions. Hopefully, answers will come soon, but until then, I choose to live and rise up despite the uncertainty, fear, and fatigue (the kind that comes with dread).

I hesitated to share this time for some reason. It feels like I have to confess that I failed. However, it’s not that I have failed (I repeat over and over again). God gives us all battles. This is my battle.

We don’t know what we don’t know. I pray it’s not cancer. I accept that it is probably cancer. I call out to my lion, tin-man, scarecrow, and Toto. They, without hesitation, join me to find the yellow brick road again and prepare for battle again. I can’t do this alone. I dust off my ruby slippers. I let the rabbit run away as answers will come soon enough. I rise up (and I will continue).

I was talking with a dear friend earlier this week. She needed encouragement from a mistake she had made. I told her to give herself grace as she works hard. I think women need to be offered the gift of grace often, especially during the holidays. Women typically take on the bulk of the shopping for presents if not all and tend to host families. This additional stress coupled with every day work and childcare can take the joy out of the season.

I’m not expert on work life balance. In my twenties, I thought it was possible but now as I face my forties, I realize that sometimes you have to triage situations and do the best you can. I think by allowing yourself grace and accept the imperfections (no my house does not look like the cover of House Beautiful), you can invite a new friend in- joy. I saw a poem earlier in the week that exemplified Joy. She does not look for perfection but rather in the beautiful messiness of life.

Women, I invite you to accept two new friends in your life- Grace, accepting you are not perfect and are doing your very best and Joy, enjoying the little things and not waiting for the big things to happen to be happy. In the end, it’s all a choice. I choose Grace and Joy.

This week has been particularly exhausting as our little guy had his tonsils and adenoids out. It’s been tough to give myself both grace and to find joy. However, they are good friends that found me when I needed them the most.

Merry Christmas to all the women out there that are the magic of the season for their families. Thank you! And when you are exhausted and think I just wish.. (insert here), remember your two best friends-Grace and Joy.

The Peach

Blog with a Southern Accent dedicated to my late grandmother Melba Faye and her sisters- "The Chilton County Peaches"

Tag: life

Rise Up (I will).

Grace and Joy