What does letting go and turning it all over God look like when you’ve spent all of your life making lists, making plans, and generally feeling like you were in control? Honestly, it sucks. It’s hard as hell. Did I mention I am also stubborn and I loathe, I mean loathe deep down into my bones to ask for help from anyone, even those closest to me. I’ve spent most of my life wanting to make others happy in thinking that it will bring my happiness. It does but it’s fleeting and exhausting. So, now God has chosen me to walk this journey. I know it’s all for a reason, and feel strongly about helping others on similar journeys. How then can I let go of this perceived control and let him lead the way?

A day at a time, a prayer at a time, being still and listening (forcing my inpatient self to wait) I think is the answer. How I am handling it? Honestly, I don’t know. Some days are better than others. I guess you have to crawl before you can walk, and walk before you can run. Today I’ve been crawling, stumbling.

Now, I know life isn’t always going to be easy. I don’t think you can fully appreciate life without its bumps, twists, and turns. I know that I am more than blessed. As I sit at my kitchen table typing this in my home with my husband and two precious boys and one fluffy cat, I know this and feel it deeply.

It’s the choices I make now on this journey that will utlimately define who I am and how it will be used for his glory. I’d like to say that how I handle every day is going to be flawless but we both know that’d be one big TALL tale as big as that fish you said you caught (or minnow). What I can say about I am going to handle it, is that I am going to handle it. I am going to get up every day and try. I’m going to continue to do my devotionals, pray and be still. I’m going to fight my inner demons, take a deep breath and ask for help. I’m going to be okay with having some days that I’m not okay. I’m going to find joy in the smallest of moments like singing and dancing in the kitchen with my kids and sharing dinner with new friends at Ezell’s looking out on the Tombigbee River. I’m going to laugh, cry and love my friends and family hard. I’m going to continue to share my struggles in hopes that it helps someone else, and I will find ways to help others. 2 Corinthians 1 3-4 says Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Step by step and day by day, I will let go and let God.