I looked in the mirror trying to recognize the person I was now- not what I once was. I try not to think about the life I could have had if I hadn’t had- Then, I pause, I don’t think myself go too far down the road. What was the point? I have it. There’s no reasoning with the what ifs of the world.

She doesn’t quite look the way I remembered. There are more wrinkles, freckles, and her face is rounder from the weight gain. Then, the what ifs try to push through- if you hadn’t then what if you wouldn’t have aged so quickly and gained all that weight. “Shut up!” I tell the what ifs.

I put my clothes on. The what ifs persist- you’re not the same size anymore. I want to cry.

I take Anderson to school. I take a deep breath, forcing myself to put on lipstick. Mom always said I should wear more lipstick. I get to work. I start the day.

The what ifs persist- are you really doing a good job? I finally have enough. I silence the what ifs by pushing forward despite the feelings inside. As I begin to focus more on tasks and what I need to do for patients, the what ifs fall silent. They can’t defeat me- not when I focus on what’s really important not what should or maybe could have been.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just one step at a time. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face.”

So, to hell with the what ifs. Here’s to the now and here’s to how!

Don’t let the what ifs stand in your way.