Once upon a time, I was fun. I told my eldest child. As soon as I said it out loud, I choked back tears. I asked him what he thought my hobby was. He responded, “cleaning.” Oh, how I’ve failed myself and child. He genuinely thought cleaning was my hobby and that I enjoyed it. I gently explained that it had to be done; it was not something I necessarily enjoyed. Whew. Reality hits you smack in the face sometimes.

I wanted to tell him that I used to ride with my windows down in my 94’ corolla singing every word to “to the windows, to the wall”, that I used enjoy getting dressed up and going out, and that I had friends over at my apartment every weekend. I don’t necessarily miss those days but maybe the feeling it gave me. I also wanted to let him know that I went to parties and laughed out loud until my stomach hurt. I wanted to let him know that I had lived at one point in time and that I will continue to live and have fun.

I’m not teaching my child that a mother knows how to live and have fun. Damn.

So, as the fairy tale goes “once upon a time” … well I’ve got to change that narrative (as cliché as it sounds). When did I stop having fun?  2013? 2019? 2021? Somewhere between childbirth and cancer, the fun must have packed its bags and moved out. It was a gradual move of belongings (not overnight).

What was left was a shell of a former fun person.

I’ve got to start living and modeling a life for my children and for my sanity. I don’t think moms start off thinking, “I’m never going to have fun again.” I think it happens because of the silent mental load (and responsibility) of everyone under our roof. Fun has not even an inch to live in the house because of the requirements needed for a mom to feel she has succeeded in her mission.

Why? Why is the mom the only one that takes on this load? Sometimes, we want to have fun too but holding the household together takes priority. It’s a pressure we feel and guilty when we don’t measure up to our own standards. Who wrote the standards? Why do we have to ask for help? I believe most of us are struggling silently and screaming from the inside out for help. Help take the pressure off. Help without us asking.

I’m throwing the book out the window that’s going to be rolled down. I’m going to sing loudly. I’m going to dance and walk around bare footed. I’m going to live. I’m going to find a hobby if it kills me.

I need somebody
(Help) not just anybody
(Help) you know I need someone, help

So much younger than today
(I never need) I never needed anybody’s help in any way
(Now) but now these days are gone (these days are gone)
I’m not so self-assured
(And now I find) now I find I’ve changed my mind
And opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won’t you please, please help me

Proof that I was fun- Howlin’ at the Moon in the year of our Lord and Savior, 2008