As a kid, I subscribed to Seventeen magazine and read Cosmo for the um… oh well, you know why we all read Cosmo. Now as an adult, I read Southern Living and House Beautiful. All of these magazines are great for ideas but don’t necessarily paint my reality. If we compare ourselves or our homes too much, we will start feeling less than or inadequate. Combined now with social media pressures of what a perfect mom looks like, we are all doomed.

I’ve always liked the saying “Yes, Queen!” I think as women we are all queens and have earned our crowns. Hear me out. None of us our perfect but we sure try our damnedest everyday for the ones we love. So here are a few reasons to not let anyone steal your crown.

1. You made your kids their favorite breakfast, packed them lunch, made it to school one time and rocked it at work. Yes, Queen!
2. You put away the laundry as soon as it was dried or at least in 3 to 4 business days. Yes, Queen!
3. You cheered your son on at his basketball game while feeding your newborn and managing the other siblings. Yes, Queen!
4. You took time to give a friend a much needed hug and shared a laugh. Yes, Queen!
5. You visited with your parents. Yes, Queen!
6. You went to church. You took time to pray for someone. Yes, Queen!
7. You gave yourself grace when things didn’t go exactly planned. Yes, Queen!
8. You took time for yourself and took that bath, read that book or got your toes done! Yes, Queen!
9. You sang Wheels on the Bus for the millionth time or answered “Yes Papa!” when your toddler sang Johnny, Johnny. Yes, Queen!
10. You loved and continue to love. Yes, Queen!

So, as you can see from list, no one can steal your crown. I didn’t say anything about what you ate, what size you are, what your income is, the size of your home, etc. because hell, we are trying to make it the best we know how. You chose love and according to the Beatles that is all we need.

So, sit up a little straighter, smile back at that reflection in the mirror, straighten your crown; you’ve earned it.

Yes, Queen no one can steal it.

I was excited to start the week and dress in something other than tights and a t-shirt. Last week’s treatment was the toughest by far, and I felt like the fog from it was finally lifting. I looked forward to going to work and getting my mind on something else. First, though, was a visit to the doctor. My blood work was good but it looks like I will not be getting a break between treatments as I had originally thought. My last hard chemo will be next week followed by a week off then I’ll start my weekly 12 rounds of chemo. After those fun weeks, it’s 6 to 7 weeks of radiation.

All of this swam around in my head but it was off to work. I have tried to think one step or one treatment ahead but it can be hard. Especially when you are a planner by nature. Work was good except the Excel spreadsheet I had been hard at work on didn’t save. I finally gave in and left. And did I mention the crack in my phone decided to affect my entire screen?

By far the highlight of today after accepting my new year outlook, letting go that sometimes Microsoft sucks and the fact that I’ve got to be more careful with my phone, was bath time with Anderson. Bath time is a big deal as it requires numerous toys including Iron Man and the Hulk. As they tower over the bath tub, they remind me of two important truths- it is important what we do when we are upset (Hulk) and what can be accomplished with great will and determination (Iron Man).

I remind myself that even though this year is going to be probably one of my difficult is that I will do it. It will be hard but I will do it. There is no need to spend time being upset. In the meantime, I’ll spend more time worrying about what toys I need to put in the bathtub to make my 2 -year- old happy. Kids are a blessing.

Thanks Iron Man and Hulk.

Tis the season for sappy Hallmark movies where the leading lady moves to a small town to start a new career and to fall in love. We like these movies because they are predictable and make us all believe we can start over anytime we want. Life is not so much a Hallmark movie but sometimes can be even more magical-better than the best Hallmark script writer could dream up.

Today was that day. Today, I said good bye to my hair and really my old life. I woke up mixed emotions. Would I be sad? Would it be hard? Honestly, I’ve never been a big hair person and there has been more hair shed in these past days-more than the amount of snow Demopolis may or may not see this winter. At this rate more because Christmas is going to be in the 70’s!

Today was one of the happiest days of my life. I was surrounded by people who love me and are supporting me every step. I cannot begin to say enough about the ladies that were present. When we first moved back, I often felt like I didn’t have a circle or people. However, in these few years, I have come to rediscover old friends and gain new friends. Side note-if you feel like you do not have “people”, there is always an open spot at my table.

The biggest surprise today and by far one of the best moments (if not the best) in our married lives came when my husband joined me by shaving his head. Girls, I tell you it made my heart skip a beat. This selfless act of love-I just don’t know how to put into words. I also think my husband is really cute with no hair. Now, that’s it out there, I want to ensure the rights to this act of love are mine, and if Hallmark decides to use it in a script, I have full copyright and will be compensated when and if they choose to use in their movies.

The fight continues with two more hard treatments and 12 more rounds of chemo followed by radiation. Today, I had a chance to not think about the fight and just be present, be happy. It’s a tough road but paved with wonderful people along the way that’s making it manageable. Dorothy didn’t make it to Oz without her people. Just as I want make it to the end of the journey without my support system and God.

There are so many going through the same hard journey. Some you may not know are fighting this battle. I hope that I can be there advocative, voice. I carry them with me. No one fights alone.

Being bald is not so bad. It has its own perks-no blow drying, no shampoo, no stress. It’s only hair. It will come back. In the end, if I’ve learned anything is that moments matter. Friendship matters. Sisters matter. Husbands matter.

Love matters.

As I sat waiting to see the doctor, my eyes caught a glimpse of “The Bell”. I stared at the bell for a long time. Dammit, I’m going to ring that bell one day. The bell is for those that have beat cancer. I imagined the sound it would make as I rang it. I imagined myself standing there grinning ear to ear with my short hair slowly growing back.

Seeing the bell fueled the fire to face this beast head on, not letting it defeat me. One of my favorite movies is Fried Green Tomatoes. In the movie, Idgie channels an inner strength she calls “Tawanda.” In seeing the bell, I am summoning Tawanda, “righter of wrong.” I am also calling on Ruth and the rest of the gang at Whistlestop for their support. I’ll also look to Harper Lee and the rest of my favorite Southern authors to be cheering me on.

In reality, I’m living in a real, Southern novel. My little “knock about” place known as Demopolis has lifted me up in this fight. I will prove to be a worthy opponent against the “red devil” as the chemo is called. God’s on my side. Not today Satan (insert machine gun sounds). I am determined to help others in their fight as well so they can ring the bell.

The perceived sound of the bell echoes in my ear, pushing me forward. The felt prayers of friends and loved ones give me strength. My favorite Christmas movie is It’s a Wonderful Life. According to the film, every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Well, when I ring this bell, there will be multiple angels getting their wings, and God himself will hear this bell.

One of my favorite poems by Edgar Allen Poe is The Bells.

  While the stars that oversprinkle
        All the heavens, seem to twinkle
           With a crystalline delight;
         Keeping time, time, time,
         In a sort of Runic rhyme,
To the tintinabulation that so musically wells
       From the bells, bells, bells, bells,
               Bells, bells, bells—
  From the jingling and the tinkling of the bells.

I’m going to ring that bell. You just wait.

When I was born, we lived down by the river. At a few months old, my parents’ dog Night passed away. My sister commented, “Well at least we still have Ashley”. I guess I was a consolation prize at best. Years later, I can remember my hair being long and down my back. I hated having my hair fixed or brushed. I can remember my sister angrily hitting me in the back of my head with the back of the brush because of my refusal to allow her to play with my hair. My mom even bought a white Astro van to have separate seating for us as we could not be near one another without a fight ensuing. If you are sibling then I am sure you can relate. It’s a tough love in the beginning, almost forced by your parents’ choice to have more than one child.

However, as the years roll past, you begin to realize how much you need this person. They are a link to your past and know you better than anyone. Siblings have great inside jokes relating to childhood experiences. We share a great one about Sam’s Cola products and Upper 10 (Sam’s version of Mountain Dew). As I got to high school (my sister had already moved out), I very much enjoyed having my sister do my hair and makeup. I was never any good at it.

Now, as a married adult with children, we have so much more to share. I can tell her anything without judgement and she is able to provide the best advice. She has always been someone I’ve admired and must admit, slightly jealous. She is not afraid to try anything, and when she does, she nails it every time. She is not afraid to stand her ground, and she lights up any room she enters.

Today is her birthday. As I scroll through Facebook, I see something that says “tag someone you are proud of”. I keep scrolling but, in my mind, the first name that comes to mind is hers. I am extremely proud of her- for all that she does with her job, how she’s raising 4 strong and independent children, and how she can succeed in anything.

I don’t think I tell her enough but I love her. I love her more with each passing year. I’m glad she’s on my team, I’m glad she is mine. Happy Birthday Andi!

Ruth 1:16–17, “Where you go, I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God.

What’s your claim to fame? As the old saying goes, “everybody dies famous in a small town.” You know I was Pinocchio in the Children’s Parade in my hometown. I worked hard on that Paper Mache head; I even had a long nose that I worked tirelessly on. I remember clumsily walking around in the parade, not really being able to see where I was going. Another time, in the same parade, I was one of those girls in a fancy hoop skirt. Mine was red and I rode in a wagon with other girls dressed similarly. Today, marks 50 years of our town’s festival Christmas on the River. Our little town shined brightly and could have very well been the center of the Hallmark movie. As I watched the parade roll by, I found myself watching spectators. Their faces would light up and they would begin to yell to a parade participant as he or she came by. Equally excited was the parade participant. They would beam with pride as they were waved to or called by name.

Life’s a lot like a small-town parade. Sometimes we are in the parade, and sometimes we are spectators. Both roles are equally important and at different times. When we can’t be the ones in the parade, it is important that we support the ones that are. When we are in the parade, it is our job to show our appreciation and enjoy the moment.

This year, I’m very much having to be a spectator in the parade of life. What’s interesting though, is that you all have been cheering me on as if I was riding on a float. You’ve gone out of your way to hug me, ask me how I am and leave me with encouraging words. I cannot begin to tell you how much that means to me. A dear friend went out of the way to visit before having to head back to Tuscaloosa. Those 5 minutes meant more to me than I can ever express.

Every day can’t be a parade but how we choose to interact with each other is important. Taking time to listen, leave a positive word, and be supportive can make for a better world. Every day I am learning more about the every day gifts God gives us. I hope that through all of this, I can be someone’s cheerleader, encourager and giver of big hugs.

I love my small town, and I love all of you.

In a few short days I’ll get my port put in and in a few days after that I’ll start my first rounds of chemo. Hair loss is to be expected, as well as, feeling fatigue and generally crappy. I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t scared. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever faced. The first 4 rounds are expected to the be hardest. The 12 chemo treatments and radiation following will be a walk in the park compared to the first leg of the race. I try to only think about one task at a time and not go chasing the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland down some pointless hole.

What gives me hope though is the support I’ve received from my family and friends. I am not fighting this alone even though at times you feel alone. As silly as it sounds, it’s sometimes hard to hear others making plans and going on with their daily lives- as they should- but still. I don’t expect the world to stop but sometimes, I wish it could.

Now more than ever, I’ve got to keep moving forward, fighting. Courage doesn’t mean you are not afraid; it’s just how you choose to move forward. And boy, am I moving forward- tearing, clawing, pushing with a tear stung face to get through this. I won’t give up even when I feel the worst. I refuse.

The battle is on the horizon but the war will soon be over. God’s got this. I’ve got this.

Thank you to my friends and family for the encouragement, support, and love. I’m going to need each of you now more than ever before. I can’t help but remember the poem we memorized in Mrs. Elliot’s class in 7th Grade by Walter Wintle.

If you think you are beaten, you are;
If you think you dare not, you don’t.
If you’d like to win, but you think you can’t,
It is almost a cinch you won’t.

If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost;
For out in this world we find
Success begins with a fellow’s will
It’s all in the state of mind.

If you think you’re outclassed, you are;
You’ve got to think high to rise.
You’ve got to be sure of yourself before
You can ever win the prize.

Life’s battles don’t always go
To the stronger or faster man;
But sooner or later the person who wins
Is the one who thinks he can!

Today in Sunday School, we discussed things we were thankful for and how to be grateful even when things aren’t perfect. We played a game where each person had to state what he or she was thankful for and had to be careful to not choose what the person before them stated. You were allowed two seconds to respond. This proved challenging because each of us are thankful for a lot of similar things- family, food, shelter, etc. With more time, our thank you’s are more heartfelt and have more meaning. This activity and lesson got me thinking about what I’m thankful for. Yes, the end of this year has been difficult and it’s far from over, but I have so many things to be thankful for. I thought I’d share in hopes that it gets you thinking about what you are thankful for, and as a reminder to me that as my journey becomes more challenging, to remember all of my blessings.

Quiet moments- I am thankful for the quiet moments when it’s just Will, the boys, and me at home watching a movie or here lately documentaries on space travel. We usually pop some popcorn and discuss what we are watching. The cat retires to the ottoman and seems content as well.

Riding in the car with my mom- my mom and I are a lot of like, and she is my best friend. She goes with me a lot to doctor’s appointments with the kids. I cherish this time because we talk about all sorts of things- the past, the kids, whatever- the soundtrack to our car rides in the background is usually the Beatles or 60’s channel on my XM.

Deep discussions with my dad- I love a good debate and the most objective man I know in this world is Mike Rogers, my dad. I’m not sure why he was never a lawyer because Lord he can see both sides to anything. I love to hear him to discuss his thoughts on what’s going on in the world- I can see a light in his eyes and the passion in his beliefs. In my mind, I imagine this is how Harper Lee felt about her dad. My dad is my Atticus.

Anytime spent with my sister- with kids, work, and life, it’s rare to have a moment when it’s just the two of us. When that moment arrives, I cherish it. I’ve always looked up to her. She’s smart, funny, and the life of the party. She lights up a room just as my dad describes my mom regarding the time when they first met. I’ve always kind of envied her self-confidence and ability to do anything she decides to do. I’m not exaggerating- anything! She knows me better than anyone and knows all of the right things to say when I fall apart.

Listening to friends talk and being around friends- I love to be surrounded with friends and watch their interactions. I love listening to them tell a story or talk about their kids. I love our inside jokes that no one else knows, and how they laugh if I do an impression of something or someone. I love how they make me feel included.

A cold diet coke- okay so not as deep but I love a can diet coke that’s been in the fridge.

Getting lost in writing- if you read my blog then you know I enjoy to write. Once I start, it’s as though time stands still and I look up and thirty minutes or even an hour has passed.

Text messages with funny GIFs or inside jokes- bonus points if both are included. There’s something so special about receiving a text from a friend that took time to send a quick picture, joke or words of encouragement.

Dates with Will- when we have time, I enjoy going out to eat with just Will. We have time to catch up and afterwards, find a good movie to stream. If we are traveling, then we really enjoy trying new restaurants and wine.

New Orleans trips with the Nelson’s- we’ve enjoyed two successful trips to New Orleans with two of our dear friends, the Nelson’s. They always know what restaurants to choose and we just have the ability to roll with whatever the day brings- scheduling some outings but allowing down time.

“Playing” in Anderson’s band- my 2-year-old loves to play “band”. He plays his drums and I pretend to play the guitar. We sing all the classics like ABCD (as he calls it), Monkey (5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed) or Old McDonald. He bangs away and I sing. You best believe I’ll be backstage at every concert of his when he’s famous.

Cuddling with William Michael- he’s not quite old enough to be embarrassed by his mom or to not want to cuddle. I love spending time on the couch just the two of us watching TV or a movie.

Walking with my mother in law- I enjoy this time with her. I listen to her recount the day or share a good recipe. She always has great advice and is encouraging.

Hearing old stories about my family- I could spend a whole day talking to my Aunt Donna Sue about our family or hearing my granddad’s stories from long ago. Nothing better.

Long distance phone calls from Seattle- okay, so really with cell phones I guess there is no more long distance phone calls per se or roaming but I always look forward to talking to my friend Sarah who lives in Seattle. We’ve been friends for 18 years and each time we talk it’s as if we are still in college at my apartment or at the DZ house eating lunch.

Music, and its ability to be a time machine- I love listening to music and letting it transport me to another time. I love music’s ability to bring people together.

I always enjoy practicing being thankful. It’s a great exercise of remembering that it’s not things that we end up being thankful for- it’s people, time with people we love.

What does letting go and turning it all over God look like when you’ve spent all of your life making lists, making plans, and generally feeling like you were in control? Honestly, it sucks. It’s hard as hell. Did I mention I am also stubborn and I loathe, I mean loathe deep down into my bones to ask for help from anyone, even those closest to me. I’ve spent most of my life wanting to make others happy in thinking that it will bring my happiness. It does but it’s fleeting and exhausting. So, now God has chosen me to walk this journey. I know it’s all for a reason, and feel strongly about helping others on similar journeys. How then can I let go of this perceived control and let him lead the way?

A day at a time, a prayer at a time, being still and listening (forcing my inpatient self to wait) I think is the answer. How I am handling it? Honestly, I don’t know. Some days are better than others. I guess you have to crawl before you can walk, and walk before you can run. Today I’ve been crawling, stumbling.

Now, I know life isn’t always going to be easy. I don’t think you can fully appreciate life without its bumps, twists, and turns. I know that I am more than blessed. As I sit at my kitchen table typing this in my home with my husband and two precious boys and one fluffy cat, I know this and feel it deeply.

It’s the choices I make now on this journey that will utlimately define who I am and how it will be used for his glory. I’d like to say that how I handle every day is going to be flawless but we both know that’d be one big TALL tale as big as that fish you said you caught (or minnow). What I can say about I am going to handle it, is that I am going to handle it. I am going to get up every day and try. I’m going to continue to do my devotionals, pray and be still. I’m going to fight my inner demons, take a deep breath and ask for help. I’m going to be okay with having some days that I’m not okay. I’m going to find joy in the smallest of moments like singing and dancing in the kitchen with my kids and sharing dinner with new friends at Ezell’s looking out on the Tombigbee River. I’m going to laugh, cry and love my friends and family hard. I’m going to continue to share my struggles in hopes that it helps someone else, and I will find ways to help others. 2 Corinthians 1 3-4 says Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Step by step and day by day, I will let go and let God.

I am overwhelmed by the support I received after my last post. I want to thank each of you from the bottom of my heart for your messages, hugs, and prayers. Oh how I’ve missed hugs since pre-COVID days. Some of you have shared your journey with breast cancer. I pray that God will use me as an advocate, a voice for women battling breast cancer, early detection, earlier age for mammograms, etc. Next stop along my journey is a lumpectomy followed by a treatment plan determined by pathology report (will be determined after surgery).

Although I do my best every day to stay strong and positive, one thing that is difficult is the feeling of how normal the day to day can seem only to have a thought creep back into the mind reminding me of my diagnosis. I try to not allow those thoughts to take hold and focus on moving forward with the next task. Having small kids helps with this as we have so much to do after school- homework, soccer, dinner, and baths.

Letting go of things has also been a challenge. I am having to choose to let go of some things which I have normally been a part of (volunteer wise). My focus now is my health, my family and my job. I can’t stand the thought of disappointing someone with not being able to help but don’t really have a choice. The time I have with my family is precious and being able to rest after work is vital.

I pride myself in being positive and seeing the best in all circumstances. I do realize though that I’ve got to be realistic when it comes to what I’m facing. It’s not going to be easy. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to feel a certain way some days. This too shall pass. I’m reading “Good to Great” by Jim Collins and one thing he said sticks out as it relates to my journey:

“You must maintain an unwavering faith that you can and will prevail in the end, regardless of difficulties, and at the same time have the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they may be.”

I am also reminded of Martin Luther King Jr’s famous speech “I’ve Been to the Mountaintop.” Although the context of his speech is related to marches and the Civil Rights movement, I can relate to what he says at the end. It reminds me of a devotion I read the other day about going up a mountain with God by your side.

“Because I’ve been to the mountaintop. And I don’t mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I’ve looked over. And I’ve seen the promised land.”

This journey is my mountain. I know that by making this climb, I will experience things I have never witnessed before and my appreciation for my life, family and church will be so much greater. I will be different but I will be so much better.

Thank you for your love and support. My cup runneth over!